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Humor: Russia behind missing socks

God bless America and how is everybody

POSTED: August 3, 2017 6:00 p.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country.

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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will be enshrined at the National Football League Hall of Fame in Canton this month. Jerry is famous for his philosophy about off-field team discipline. It states that you’ll never look back on your life and remember the nights where you got plenty of sleep.

The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that the state of Colorado last year collected over $5 million in tax revenues from the sale of legal marijuana. Now it gets interesting. Colorado is making so much money off the sale of marijuana that it can now afford a cocaine habit.

The International Olympic Committee selected Los Angeles to host the 2028 Olympic Games Monday, saying most of the venues are already in place. The IOC did order L.A. to upgrade our target pistol shooting ranges. Hey, what’s wrong with the high school parking lots we already have?

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson ripped Congress Tuesday for passing sanctions on Russia and worsening relations with the Kremlin. They’re being goaded by the media. Anonymous sources told CNN Tuesday that Russia was behind all the missing socks from our dryers over the past decades.

President Trump noted the low unemployment rate and demand for U.S. workers Tuesday. My e-mail yesterday included three job listings posted by a temporary employment agency. They were for a seasonal warehouse worker, a shopping mall Santa Claus, and a Trump Administration official.

The White House staff settled under Chief of Staff John Kelly after a week when Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus and Anthony Scaramucci exited the door. It was nuts. President Trump could have paid for the Mexican border wall by now with all the money he’s wasting on severance packages.

President Trump gave the Medal of Honor to a Vietnam War medic for keeping his cool under fire and saving so many lives. The world is so different now. Today, if you can keep your head while other people around you are losing theirs, then you’re probably in an Arab country fighting for ISIS.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly took over Monday and quickly received the resignation of the bombastic and vulgar Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci. It was a very sad day for comedians to see him go out the door. Scaramucci may be gone, but his cologne will linger forever.

The House of Representatives approved $1.6 billion Friday to start construction on the Mexico border wall pending Senate approval. California already built a wall to keep the Mexicans out. It’s called $3,000 a month rent for a two-bedroom apartment.

The Pentagon confirmed Monday that North Korea’s latest missile launch test means that they will have an ICBM missile that can reach Los Angeles by next year. That’s just the start. Once the missiles get to L.A., they have got to get 8x10s and a waiter job, and go to acting classes like everybody else.

The Game Show Channel issued a request for catchy home game show ideas from TV viewers hoping to inject new ideas into the game show world. The hottest new home game in Los Angeles is called What’s My Name? It’s a game that families play at the dinner table when the Wi-Fi goes down.

Men’s Health reported that healthy relationships are as important as lots of exercise for a long life span. In May, the BBC reported the world’s oldest man died in Indonesia at the age of 146. He died doing what he always wanted to do, giving his wife an honest opinion.

 E-mail Hamilton at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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