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Humor: How to become a Walmart district manager

God bless America and how is everybody

POSTED: August 31, 2017 7:00 p.m.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country.

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HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The National Retailers Association reported a jump in retail sales this year due to the booming economy. Still, the big store shopping experience is chaotic. Last weekend at Walmart, I made it through self-checkout without needing any assistance and they offered to make me district manager.

The White House was pleased with the public reaction to the president’s visit to Texas Tuesday to boost public morale. The flood waters are just now starting to go down. President Trump will return to the Gulf Coast Saturday for a ceremony marking the reappearing of the Confederate statues.

The Los Angeles Museum unveiled a display of patent medicines and their magazine print ads from the 1880s that included Cocaine Tooth Drops, Opium Cough Syrup, Coca Wine and Bayer’s Heroin. It’s no wonder they called them the good old days. From cradle to grave, everyone was stoned.

North Korea’s Kim Jung Un remained defiant Tuesday after firing a missile over Japan which caused the U.S. to consider war. North Korea refuses to believe that the United States would drop a nuclear bomb on an Asian country. That’s what happens when all your history books begin in 1953.

CBS Late Night with Steven Colbert parlayed its interview with Trump’s fired communication director Anthony Scaramucci to top the ratings last week. Not all topical comics are liberal and politically correct. My goal in life is to be the kind of comedian Al Gore would blame for a hurricane.

Houston residents got their first glimpse of the sun in five days Tuesday while their weariness spread to the mainstream media covering the flooding. The reporting really started getting sloppy. Joel Osteen opened the doors to his mega-church Tuesday but CNN ripped him over his stiletto heels.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott thanked the White House for its coordination with state and local agencies as well as major charities for helping in flood relief. The Clinton Foundation announced it will be sending its people to Houston to help out. Looters are always the first to show up after a flood.

A Tampa University sociology professor was fired Tuesday for tweeting that Texans deserved Harvey because the state voted for Donald Trump. Liberal arts professors tend to be secular humanists by nature. Secular humanists believe the Bible is 100 percent accurate, if thrown at close range.

President Trump flew to Corpus Christi Tuesday where he addressed flood rescue workers and first responders. He said he’s heartened by support and concern from other nations around the world. Mexico’s president said they won’t pay for the wall, but they’ll chip in for the dam.

President Trump was cheered in Corpus Christi Tuesday when he declared that Texans can handle anything. You’d think the media would let up for one day. CNN covered the president’s visit with a panel of Democratic legal experts who think that flood damage is an impeachable offense.

Hollywood retail novelty stores roll out Halloween costumes Friday for this year’s town fright fest. The outfits are getting high tech. At last year’s West Hollywood Halloween parade, the guy who won scariest costume came dressed as a smart phone with a two percent battery charge left in it.

A Handmaiden’s Tale star Elisabeth Moss told a reporter Monday she will use her TV show as a platform to attack Trump. She said he oppresses women. She had to cut the interview short because she had to make her monthly payment to Scientology, otherwise they will make her marry Tom Cruise.

 E-mail Hamilton at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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