Its hard to articulate what exactly a stay-at-home mother does all day, especially to her husband who comes home and wonders how it can take two weeks to fold one basket of laundry or why taking a shower is the Holy Grail of any daily routine.
One afternoon, I recognized these questions in my husbands eyes as he walked through the door to groceries still sitting in the mudroom, crafting paper and beads strewn across the floor, and no dinner on the counter. He would never say anything, but I could tell in his eyes that he thought my day had been a failure and in my heart I wondered if he thought I was one, too.
The strangest thing for me in that moment was that I had just been thinking what a wonderful day I had enjoyed with my children. It was one of those days where no one was bickering and we all seemed to just be enjoying being together, going to the park, getting groceries and then getting out every craft supply in the house and making creative knickknacks for no reason at all. We were singing silly songs and losing track of time, so making dinner and actually getting the groceries into the cupboards didnt happen.
I realized as my husband surveyed the scene that he was seeing my motherhood from a very different angle than I do. I would bet many husbands struggle with what their wives accomplish as stay-at-home mothers. I mean, if he doesnt get his job done at work, he gets fired. Why cant she stay on top of her duties, too?
A recent article in The Huffington Post addressed this issue, saying stay-at-home mothers are often not as Type A as their husbands and so dont care as much about keeping up with housework.
That sweeping generalization totally misses the point. I am about as Type A of a person as youll ever meet. Im ambitious, driven and want to be the best at whatever I do. Seriously. I want to be the winner. Period.
So laziness or indifference is not the reason I dont fit the perfect June Cleaver mold. The issue is, I evaluate my success or failure as a mother on things that cant be viewed objectively when my husband walks through the door.
I did not give up a successful career and an identity to be a housewife. I am not a maid. I am not a chef. I am not a laundromat. I am a mother.
My Type-A ambition means I am going to do whatever it takes to be the best mother I can be to my children not so I can have a hot dinner on the table every night or a picture-perfect household.
For me, my success at motherhood boils down to three specific items on my job description:
Teach my children every day. This could be a big moment, like my recent sex talk with my daughter, or it could be something as simple as how to share with a friend. Every moment of my day is spent teaching in some small way. I teach frugality as my children see me put things back on the shelf that arent in the budget this month. I teach them kindness as I arbitrate disagreements. I teach work ethic as I enforce chores. Helping my children learn is one of the main reasons I stay home with my children. I want to be the one teaching the lessons I think are valuable.
Show love to my children: Home should be a safe place where my children feel unconditionally loved. Mothers set the tone for that love as we speak kindly, enforce rules consistently and seek to understand our childrens feelings. If my children feel loved at the end of the day, I have done my job.
Of course, daily motherhood also has an operational component. I make lunches and dinners, clean toilets, wipe noses, register for soccer, enforce piano practice and about a million other things every day to keep our home running and my family functioning. I try to keep a reasonably clean house to teach my children cleanliness and to make our home a happy place. And I try to have dinner ready for my husband because I love him.
But those things are not central to what I do and who I am as a mother. Some days, the house will be an inexplicable disaster. Dinner will be leftovers. I will be a total failure by any measure of a housewife. Go ahead fire me.
Almost all of my most successful days as a mother have nothing to do with pot roast or Pinterest. My mother-of-the-year moments come when my daughters treat other people like children of God, or when they set the table with the fork on the left because I taught them how. I am a success when my children are confident in themselves and in my love.
No, Im not lazy about motherhood. I treat it as the single most important thing I will do with my life. Like most mothers, I work hard at it, even though my efforts often go unnoticed and unthanked.
So, to all you dads who are greeted with chaos when you walk through the door, look a little closer. Are your kids smiling? Do they run to you with hugs? Are they loved, happy and secure?
If so, forget the mess. Hug your wife. Thank her for taking her most important job so seriously.
Because there is no one who can do it better.
One afternoon, I recognized these questions in my husbands eyes as he walked through the door to groceries still sitting in the mudroom, crafting paper and beads strewn across the floor, and no dinner on the counter. He would never say anything, but I could tell in his eyes that he thought my day had been a failure and in my heart I wondered if he thought I was one, too.
The strangest thing for me in that moment was that I had just been thinking what a wonderful day I had enjoyed with my children. It was one of those days where no one was bickering and we all seemed to just be enjoying being together, going to the park, getting groceries and then getting out every craft supply in the house and making creative knickknacks for no reason at all. We were singing silly songs and losing track of time, so making dinner and actually getting the groceries into the cupboards didnt happen.
I realized as my husband surveyed the scene that he was seeing my motherhood from a very different angle than I do. I would bet many husbands struggle with what their wives accomplish as stay-at-home mothers. I mean, if he doesnt get his job done at work, he gets fired. Why cant she stay on top of her duties, too?
A recent article in The Huffington Post addressed this issue, saying stay-at-home mothers are often not as Type A as their husbands and so dont care as much about keeping up with housework.
That sweeping generalization totally misses the point. I am about as Type A of a person as youll ever meet. Im ambitious, driven and want to be the best at whatever I do. Seriously. I want to be the winner. Period.
So laziness or indifference is not the reason I dont fit the perfect June Cleaver mold. The issue is, I evaluate my success or failure as a mother on things that cant be viewed objectively when my husband walks through the door.
I did not give up a successful career and an identity to be a housewife. I am not a maid. I am not a chef. I am not a laundromat. I am a mother.
My Type-A ambition means I am going to do whatever it takes to be the best mother I can be to my children not so I can have a hot dinner on the table every night or a picture-perfect household.
For me, my success at motherhood boils down to three specific items on my job description:
Teach my children every day. This could be a big moment, like my recent sex talk with my daughter, or it could be something as simple as how to share with a friend. Every moment of my day is spent teaching in some small way. I teach frugality as my children see me put things back on the shelf that arent in the budget this month. I teach them kindness as I arbitrate disagreements. I teach work ethic as I enforce chores. Helping my children learn is one of the main reasons I stay home with my children. I want to be the one teaching the lessons I think are valuable.
Show love to my children: Home should be a safe place where my children feel unconditionally loved. Mothers set the tone for that love as we speak kindly, enforce rules consistently and seek to understand our childrens feelings. If my children feel loved at the end of the day, I have done my job.
Of course, daily motherhood also has an operational component. I make lunches and dinners, clean toilets, wipe noses, register for soccer, enforce piano practice and about a million other things every day to keep our home running and my family functioning. I try to keep a reasonably clean house to teach my children cleanliness and to make our home a happy place. And I try to have dinner ready for my husband because I love him.
But those things are not central to what I do and who I am as a mother. Some days, the house will be an inexplicable disaster. Dinner will be leftovers. I will be a total failure by any measure of a housewife. Go ahead fire me.
Almost all of my most successful days as a mother have nothing to do with pot roast or Pinterest. My mother-of-the-year moments come when my daughters treat other people like children of God, or when they set the table with the fork on the left because I taught them how. I am a success when my children are confident in themselves and in my love.
No, Im not lazy about motherhood. I treat it as the single most important thing I will do with my life. Like most mothers, I work hard at it, even though my efforts often go unnoticed and unthanked.
So, to all you dads who are greeted with chaos when you walk through the door, look a little closer. Are your kids smiling? Do they run to you with hugs? Are they loved, happy and secure?
If so, forget the mess. Hug your wife. Thank her for taking her most important job so seriously.
Because there is no one who can do it better.