What time is it, boys and girls? It’s time for Answer Man! Time to dip into the ol’ mailbag and see what is on your mind and show you how little is on ours. While we can’t guarantee total and complete accuracy in our answers, it is Answer Man’s opinion that this won’t matter because if you knew the answer, you probably wouldn’t have asked the question in the first place.
Please note that all answers remain the property of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company in greater Garfield and may not be rebroadcast, retransmitted or refried without the expressed written consent of Answer Man or that fat doughboy on MSNBC that Zell Miller threatened to beat up on the air a few years ago.
May I have the first question, please:
Dear Answer Man: Why are you always picking on me? I could just scream. Besides, you don’t even know me. F.D. from MSNBC.
Answer Man: Correct, F.D., but I do know Zell Miller. Consider yourself lucky he changed his mind. Otherwise, you and I wouldn’t be having this conversation today. He is a mountain man and a Marine. That is a formidable combination. I still have the scars from a few of the hide-peelings he administered to me when he was governor — and he liked me. He doesn’t like you.
Dear Answer Man: How do you think the last session of the Legislature went? Signed, an anxious speaker of the House.
Answer Man: I think the Legislature went best when it went home.
Dear Answer Man: I have the feeling that you don’t know anything about high technology. Can you even tweet? Signed, Ben from Ben Hill.
Answer Man: Absolutely. I usually try and time my tweets during the commercial breaks so that I don’t miss a minute of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” And, yes, I have to get up a couple of times during the night to tweet, although I really don’t see what any of this has to do with high technology.
Dear Answer Man: I am an announced Democratic candidate for president of the United States. Do you think I will get the party’s nomination? (Please don’t respond via email. I have been having some problems with my personal computer. Wink. Wink.) Signed, Bill’s Hill.
Answer Man: Are you kidding? You would get the Democratic Party nomination if you kissed a goat on the lips. Ask your husband. A goat is about the only thing he seems to have missed.
Dear Answer Man: I am an announced Republican candidate for president of the United States. My opponents are all (ugh!) RINOs. Do you think I will get the nomination? By the way, have you made a decision about who you will support? Signed, Cruisin’ in Texas.
Answer Man: First off, I wouldn’t suggest kissing a goat on the lips. You don’t have that much margin for error. Second, you might want to remind your supporters who the real enemy is. It’s the Democrats, not the other Republican nominees, aka RINOs. However, I doubt telling them this will do much good. Republicans seem to enjoy eating their dead. As for me, I am supporting Herschel Walker. There is no doubt the man can still run.
Dear Answer Man: Can you give me an update on the recent law to ticket drivers for driving too slowly on the interstates? Grandma from Grayson.
Answer Man: I am pleased to say that the law is working beautifully. I have been on the interstates from one end of the state to the other and have yet to see a car doing less than the speed of sound. It makes driving on the interstates a pleasure. I am proud of our legislators for taking on this critically important issue. Maybe next year, they will consider legislation to promote tailgating and changing lanes without using those pesky turn signals.
Dear Answer Man: Is the University of Georgia still the oldest state-chartered university in the nation, located in Athens, the Classic City of the South and the home of the prestigious Peabody Awards? Signed, Uga IX, a citizen of the state.
Answer Man: Yes, it certainly is. I thought you would never ask.
Well, boys and girls, I see by the clock on the wall that we have run out of time today. Until next time, this is Answer Man saying thank you and keep those cards and letters coming in. Now, if you will pardon me, I have to go tweet.
Contact Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139; and online at dickyarbrough.com or facebook.com/dickyarb.