Apropos of nothing, here’s another shout out to the great unhinged.
You know, that bend in the universe that for no good reason will cause some guy to suddenly show up on your lawn at 2 a.m. wearing nothing but rabbit ears and a water pistol, and hollering about how he needs to borrow your bathroom or else.
That’s my brain on police incident reports, by the way. I miss being a public safety reporter mostly because one never knew what the day might bring — like the time the late, great Maj. Thomas Cribbs showed me a thumb that had gotten bit off in a fight and had been kept as evidence.
The digit, which had turned a sort of grey mauve, floated suspended in a jar of clear liquid. I wonder now if its owner ever got it back.
Once, I spent a night at the Effingham County Jail for a story about what happened in the Effingham County Jail whenever a reporter hung around. I mostly wound up shooting the breeze with the guards, a couple of whom reminded me of older, crustier, chain-smoking versions of Ann Davis.
You might remember Davis. She played Housekeeper Alice on the “Brady Bunch.”
Somehow me and the Alices got into a conversation about who were the worst inmates to deal with. Being a rookie to the prison system, I ventured a few guesses, like Mexican druglords, gangbanging crackdealers and Charles Manson groupies. One of the Alices put out her cigarette and set me straight.
“Drunk white women,” she said. ”
I was flabbergasted. Really? Why.
The rest of the Alices chimed in about how drunk white women were never wrong, thought they were in charge and before it was over would have everybody fired for wrongful arrest and bad food. “Then they turn on the tears,” an Alice said. “You wait and see. If we get one tonight, it’ll be a show.”
We didn’t get one that night, me and the Alices. But I learned.
Some years later a drunk white woman moved in not far from my house. It was a show. That started a streak of about six months where this woman would get oiled up and start “unwinding” at about midnight. The weird thump of country rap mixed with profanity laden backyard cornhole games would wake up my wife, who doesn’t like it if I imbibe to excess, let alone somebody two houses down.
So invariably my wife would call 911, the deputies would come and the noise would go away (sometimes to come back again). I never figured out whether the law had to cart this woman away or not, but if so I hope she wasn’t too rough on the Alices.
It also leads me to wonder why we don’t collect up all the drunk white women in the world, arm them with wine coolers and a few country rap cds and turn them loose on the Taliban. Problem solved.
Onward. A copy and paste from my email inbox with heading, Paper cups supplier to support you:
“Dear manager: We are a export company in China . Do below service : 1. all Kind of Plastic Straws . and wrapped in Paper or Cello. Also Art straws. 2. Paper cups ,Double Wall .Ripple wall cups and ice Cream cups .Soup Cups ,Vending cups 3. We have good Price on PS LIDS. PP Coffee Lids 4. Small OEM Logo Spoon. Fruit Fork. 5. PET Plastic Cups from all size 6. We can pay the Mold cost if you have new item and can not find good factory for you.
Any requirements . Please feel free to contact me . and we can send you catalog. Best Regards, Jeff.”
Finally this: Hinesville District 1 councilwoman Diana Reid asked me months ago to run something listing “road clusters” in her district so residents would know whether they’re in her district, along with her cell number so those who live in her district can call her if they need her. I’m slow, but I sometimes make it happen. Here’s her cell, 912-432-9278, and here are the streets as provided: Lindstrom Ln., Valdez Ct., Tominac Dr., Governor’s Blvd., Barbour Ln., Barnes Ln., Perdue Ln., Sanford Ln., Riley Ln. Terrell Dr., Rendell Ln., Lumpkin Ln., Conley Dr., Schley Ln., Forsyth Dr., Pataki Ln., Atkinson Dr., Weedhopper Ln., Sierra Dr., Quicksilver Ln., Ashwood Dr., Hilltoppers Ct., Deerwood Way, Deerwood Pass, Freedom Ct., Community Rd., Greenbrier Ct., Liberty Manor Ct., Pine Needle Ct., Lesa St., King Air Ct., Bradley Ct., Brockington Cir., Bennington Ct., Maxwelton Cir., Wavery Ct., Windsor Ct., Linwood Cir., Magnolia Plantation Trc., Magnolia Plantation Ct., N. Commerce St. Caswell St., Midway St., Courthouse Dr., Wilcox St. W. Court St., West St., Pine St., W. Washington Ave., Bulah Ln.,W. Edelle Osgood Ave., Perl Ln., Booker St., Parkview Dr., Huntington Way., Regency Ct., Lindbergh Ct., S. Belmont Ct., Preakness Ct. Now, give her a call.
Hey now, there’s one thing off my to do list.
Have a great weekend.
Whitten is managing editor of the Courier..