HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The National Arboretum Commission ruled the huge magnolia tree on the White House lawn is rotting and experts convinced Melania to cut it down. The magnolia was planted 25 years before the Civil War. The statues aren’t enough, now the government’s bringing down our Confederate trees.
President Trump was given a standing ovation when he entered the sanctuary at the Episcopal Church in Palm Beach on Christmas Eve. It’s always a rewarding experience. The church’s head usher has just been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for getting Trump to turn off his cell phone.
CBS News rated the best Country Western bars in Southern California and named the Saddle Ranch Chop House and Saloon on the Sunset Strip as the top. It’s even got a mechanical bull in the bar area. Riding a mechanical bull is the surest way to tell everybody that you’re drunk and white.
The Washington DC City Council is considering a controversial motion to erect a statue in the capital city of the late convicted charismatic former Mayor Marion Barry. The FBI undercover video of the late mayor revealed that he preferred mixed drinks. Marion Barry liked to mix rum with crack.
The Gallup Poll shows Democrats and Republicans more divided than ever on Donald Trump, taxes, and immigration. It has turned this country into the United Tourette’s of America. We don’t need taxes to balance the budget and pay off the national debt, all we need is a swear jar on Facebook.
UN Ambassador Nikki Haley announced the U.S. will cut its money to the U.N. by $280 billion. It could cripple the United Nations and force it to move to Geneva. Fish have to swim, birds have to fly, and Trump has to get his hands on that high-rise property on the East River.
President Trump took credit in a tweet for Americans saying Merry Christmas to one another once again. Most people accept that Santa Claus is a Democrat. Nevertheless, Trump won’t stop bragging about how the lump of coal he found in his Christmas stocking is going to create more jobs.
President Trump responded to a forecast Monday saying China’s economy will eclipse the U.S. economy within a few decades. He pointed out that the Chinese are smart and ruthless business people. You know you’ve been robbed by the Chinese when the cat’s gone and your homework is done.
The White House vehemently denied reports that President Trump said he wanted to deport all the Haitian illegal immigrants because they all have AIDS. They wisely deleted the text of Mr. Trump’s initial reaction. Nobody loves diseases more than me and I have the best diseases, believe me.
President Trump issued a tweet Tuesday saying he looks forward to working with Democrats and Republicans to create a great health care plan. Trump didn’t mention the GOP’s failure to replace Obamacare. If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried in the first place.
Conde Nast travel magazine predicts a banner year for the travel industry with more bargains for tourists than ever before. One company is offering you the chance to cut your hotel room cost in half if you are willing to share the hotel room with a stranger. The company is called Jose Cuervo.
The Wall Street Journal reports that the approach of New Year’s Eve is churning heavy action on the Internet dating sites since no one wants to be alone New Year’s Eve. Some people seek out matches of their own religion. Some Jewish singles go to J-Date to find their dream match, many Evangelicals go to Christian Mingle and Episcopalians, Methodists and Presbyterians go to Ancestry.
E-mail Hamilton at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.