FYI, there’s a movement afoot to get people to stay off the roads if they don’t have to be out there driving around.
Well, maybe it’s not a movement, but I’ve heard from more than one first responder lamenting the fact so many people seem unable to stop going places during the COVID-19 pandemic. They’ve got a point, because how many trips to Lowes to pick up pine straw are really essential? A dozen? Eight?
The reason people in public safety want us to take a break from going places if we don’t have to is as obvious as the nose on my face. If I get in a wreck, first responders are more than likely going to have to get involved. That puts them at risk of coming into contact with someone, me included, who may be carrying the coronavirus and not even know about it.
What’s more, I could wind up in the hospital with a broke leg. During a pandemic.
I know, I know. Nobody goes out and plans on getting run over by some idiot. But it happens. The only way for it not to happen is for us to stay home and annoy our families.
So, in order to help you stay home and stay entertained during this time of crisis, here’s a handy list of seven “don’t try this at home,” things to try at home. Have fun.
1. Eat a lot.
You should eat a lot because nobody really knows just how long this pandemic is going to last. We might be doing this until Labor Day. 2024. If that happens, I am of the opinion us pleasingly plump people will have an advantage over skinny people if it comes down to a battle for survival because we can sit on them if they try to steal our Fig Newtons. Provided of course, we can catch them. And, if push comes to shove, if you eat all the food in your house in one day, then it’s necessary for you to go back out. Right? Right. Just wear a mask and gloves and don’t stand right behind me.
2. Ponder life’s imponderables. You know, those questions that don’t always have answers, like “how high is up?” I’ve always wondered if fish get thirsty. I wouldn’t think so, but then, I’m not sure.
Anyhow, if anybody knows the answer, shoot me an email. In the meantime, try to solve the great mysteries of life, like how come I look like a morose Lucky Charms leprechaun and one of my elderly neighbors looks like a giant Beaver Cleaver, complete with shorts and baseball hat.
3. Adopt a squirrel for only $200. I have something like 1,832 squirrels on my wife’s property. The property’s hers. The squirrels are mine, somehow. They raid bird feeders and act all squirrelly, and it’s so much fun I’m willing to share and so will give you as many as I can catch and ship by Fed Ex, so long as you pay up first. I will even throw in adoption papers with the name left blank so you can name them what you want. I’ve always thought Todd is a great name for a squirrel. If it’s a girl squirrel, also known as a squirrelette, then call it Judy. You can adopt three or four and dress them up like Alvin and the Chipmunks, and put on your own musicals in the garage. OK, I’ll stop. I take checks.
4. Watch TV. I couldn’t sleep the other night and stayed up to watch TV for the first time in years. I was amazed at two things. A. I sure have a lot of channels. B. Not much is on. Still, not much in TV terms means even crepe skin cremes can be fascinating if the only other alternative is watching squirrels dressed like chipmunks run around burying pine cones in your yard.
5. Learn a new language, like Chinese or Russian or Proper English. This could come in handy if we get invaded by another country and they take over and put crazy people in charge without our knowing about it until, suddenly, one day we wake up and there’s Vladimir Putin doing the Cabbage Patch dance on the front lawn of the White House.
6. Start your own city council and set up your own rules, like no campaign signs bigger than a can of pork and beans. No, wait. Don’t. That sovereign citizen thing doesn’t work out too well in the end. You’d be better off hoarding toilet paper. And, FYI, we’re citizens of a country and residents of a state or county or city. Think about it. You don’t have to apply for citizenship if you move from, say, Ohio, to say, my home state of South Carolina. Somebody sure screwed that one up.
7. Watch old college football games and remember the fun times you used to have going to college football games when there was such a thing as college football and tailgating. Go Gamecocks! GATA Eagles. By the way, I have a six DVD set of all the Eagles I-AA national championships, if anybody wants to borrow them for $150. Make it an even $300 and I’ll throw in a couple squirrels for free.