News bulletin: The state Department of Natural Resources is reporting that black bears in North Georgia seem to be migrating toward the Atlanta area.
“Hello. This is the Georgia chapter of Bears ’R’ Us. President Theodore speaking.”
“Teddy Bear, it’s me. Ed Ursine, with the NBA, the National Bear Association up in Orono, Maine.”
“Ed, good to hear from you, but please don’t call me Teddy Bear. It’s Theodore. Bears are a pretty tough group to deal with. They don’t have much respect for a leader called Teddy Bear. When they hear anyone call me Teddy Bear, they fall out of the trees laughing and hurt themselves.”
“Righto. Let me tell you why I’m calling, Teddy. We got word you guys are thinking of leaving the North Georgia area and moving to Atlanta. It’s got some of our folks a little concerned. Bears don’t belong in big cities. What is going on down there?”
“Ed, there is a lot of pressure on me to make the move. Our members don’t like living in caves anymore. It is bad for their lumbago. Plus, they are sick of eating berries and birdseed. Our scouts tell us there is a crowd of liberals camped out in one of the parks in the city called Occupy Atlanta. They are protesting Wall Street, banks and, we think, even country music, although they don’t seem to have any better ideas of how to run the country. If they did, you would think they might run for public office, but they just sit around all day and whine. The city can’t get them to leave. Of course, Atlanta can’t get their sewers to work either but that’s not all that surprising. Every time you flush a toilet in town, it blows all the manhole covers off the street.
“Anyway, the protesters are turning into a real nuisance, like chiggers. We thought we’d go down there and eat them all as a public service. We would then take over the parks and charge the vagrants rent to come back home, and it would be some nice cash for the city.
“Also, the local media could get back to something worthwhile like covering all the smash-and-grab robberies in town and let the local boosters resume crowing about what a great place Atlanta is to live and work when there are no smash-and-grab robberies.
“Atlanta does like to brag, you know. An armadillo told me the other day that if Atlanta could suck like it can blow, it would have the Atlantic Ocean at its city limits. Armadillos are weird and I wouldn’t recommend eating one, but they are smarter than we give them credit.”
“Teddy, I am glad I got hold of you before you made a big mistake. You should have done your homework. The National Bear Association has done extensive research on the subject of liberals, and we strongly urge you to stay away from liberals at all costs.
“In the first place, they are an endangered species and without them, radio talk shows would go out of business and radio yakkers would have to get a real job, and we all know they have the abilities of a broomstick.
“Second, if you eat a liberal, an insidious microbe will get into your brain and suck out your sense of humor and you will start believing everything you read in the New York Times.”
“Dang, Ed. My folks aren’t going to like hearing this. Another year of berries and birdseed and living in caves and I could be out of a job. Besides, most of the crowd have already bought their Birkenstocks and are learning to rap.”
“Teddy, let me assure you that these protesters aren’t worth your time. No self-respecting bear would give them a second look, let alone eat them. I will report back that you guys in Georgia have changed your minds about going to Atlanta. They will be very relieved to hear the news and, frankly, it will discourage bears up here from their talk about moving to San Francisco. I keep telling them that the nuts out there are not the ones that grow on trees. Now, maybe they will believe me. Have a great hibernation, Teddy Bear.”
“You too, Ed. Thanks for the advice, but quit calling me Teddy Bear. One of my colleagues just fell out of a tree laughing and I think he hurt himself.”
You can reach Yarbrough at email@example.com or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Ga., 31139.