HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
The State Department warned college students not to travel to some parts of Mexico on spring break due to lawlessness. Not that back home on campus is any safer. The reason I’m alive today is because Norman, Oklahoma is flat, so that when you pass out, you don’t fall off a cliff or anything.
Psychology Today reports that the arrival of spring heralds a marked improvement in human happiness and an overall feeling of well being. Spring can’t come soon enough. I don’t want to say I was in a surly mood last night but my Uber driver gave me just one star, and it was a self-driving car.
USA Today says scientists discovered that pandas have the natural ability to neutralize cyanide poisoning. What’s happened to the food chain? Chipotle’s has had so many customers get sick to their stomach that in order to comply with food safety laws, they may have to re-name it Chiputin’s.
Democrats took turns on TV blasting Trump for congratulating Vladimir Putin on Sunday’s election win. Meanwhile the porn star passed a lie detector test to verify her affair with Trump. And to think I’m old enough to remember when Democrats had sex and Republicans hated the Russians.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said Tuesday it isn’t the business of the U.S. to tell other countries how to elect their leaders. Democracy is a little different in every country, Vladimir Putin has just been re-elected president of Russia with 135 percent of the vote.
HBO’s star of Sex and the City Cynthia Nixon announced at a press conference Monday that she will challenge incumbent Andrew Cuomo in the Democratic primary for governor of New York. The name recognition is certainly there. Her bumper stickers read Vote for Nixon, No Relation.
Navy SEALs hero Rob O’Neill, who killed Osama bin Laden, was kicked off an airliner for being too drunk to fly. After the World Trade Center attacks, the U.S. spent 10 years, a trillion dollars and invaded two countries trying to find bin Laden before we finally found him. He was in his house.
The London Daily Mail reports that a man in Scotland was arrested by the police Tuesday and he was charged with a hate crime for teaching his girlfriend’s dog how to do the Nazi salute. The incident has taught animal lovers a big lesson. And that lesson is, Scotland is no place to raise geese.
Monica Lewinsky said her relationship with Bill Clinton was filled with inappropriate abuse of power and privilege. However the Me, Too days of male contrition are over. It took powerful men about six months to adopt the Trump Doctrine, which states everything blows over in a couple of days.
Colonel Ralph Peters resigned as Fox News analyst, saying it has become a propaganda machine for Trump. He was replaced in Vietnam by the Viet Cong, he was replaced in Iraq by ISIS, and now he’s being replaced on Fox News by beautiful blondes. Just once in his life he’d like a fighting chance.
Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal filed suit against the National Enquirer for not printing her story of an affair with Donald Trump twenty years ago. The paper paid her $100,000 for the story then never printed it. The newspaper is in the news business, so they’re looking for ANY story where Trump remained faithful to his marriage, because that would be news and they’d print it.
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