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15 things you should and shouldnt say to a woman living with infertility
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Living in a culture where families are placed at high importance can make life very overwhelming for a woman who cannot have a child to feel accepted. Parenthood is a lifelong dream that is crushed when a women realizes she suffers with infertility. - photo by Tana Bolinger
Living in a culture where families are placed at high importance can make life very overwhelming for a woman who cannot have a child to feel accepted. Parenthood is a lifelong dream that is crushed when a women realizes she suffers with infertility.

I spoke with women who are infertile and asked them if they would be comfortable sharing their experiences with me.

The amount of strength that they now have because of this trial is unbelievable.

When asked the question, What did you like and dislike people saying to you when they learned you were infertile? some of their answers were shocking. They truly shed some light on what it feels like to be told certain things from those they loved and admired.

Here are the things they said:

What did you not like people saying to you?

1. I did not like when people insinuated that I didnt want children.

Even if you do not say the words, why dont you want children? assuming that because a married couple has not had children yet they probably do not want them is not the kind of reaction that a woman trying her best to reproduce needs to hear.

2. When they would tell me my husband would be a great father.

Saying would be makes it seem like you think because she isnt having children, she is depriving her husband from being a father. Yes, he will be a great father when that day comes, and she wants that more than anything. It hurts her that she cannot give him the opportunity to be a great dad; dont remind her.

3. If you really wanted children you could have adopted.

Its not that they didnt think about adoption, that is just not the answer for everyone. With the wonderful new solutions that have been created, there are many possible ways to have children.

4. Its a trial you were chosen to go through.

No one enjoys being told that they were chosen to suffer. Telling someone that they were chosen to not have kids and to work through it is not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God.

5.Why dont you just?

Unless you were summoned for help or advice, dont give it. Especially when the news is pretty fresh in their minds, they would probably just like a friend to listen to rather than advise on how to fix them.

6. It was worse when they didnt say anything.

When the room goes quiet after sharing the hardship that is infertility, saying nothing is often one of the last things they want. Especially when someone is pregnant, dont be afraid to share that news. They want to be happy for you and celebrate the news with you and your friends. Not telling them makes them feel worse.

7. Their silent reactions

The reaction on many individuals faces can often say a lot more than the words that come out of their mouths. One women who I spoke with got married much later in life and when she realized it would be extremely difficult and costly to try and have children of her own, she decided to be a really good auntie instead. Although her husband and she made this decision together, the support from her family and friends was not easy to get.

Another woman shared with me how she felt betrayed from her family and like her presence and role in the family was not worthwhile until she was a mother.

What did you like people saying to you?

Despite the list of negative things women facing infertility do not want to hear, there are many good things you can say to help them through this difficult time.

8. I appreciated when people said that they were so excited for me to be a mom.

The people who are anxious for a woman who is infertile to have a child and understands how much she wants to be a mother can make the process not seem so difficult.

9. Saying that we are in their prayers.

There is not much that people can do to help couples going through this, but saying that you are praying for them is a small gesture to show that you are there and doing all you can.

10. Even asking what they can do for us and what we needed helped a lot.

There really isnt much that others can do but show love and choose to treat them in a way that doesnt make them feel like they are a charity case or that helping them is this months service project.

11. Reminding me of the role model I am to all of those around me.

Not being able to have a child to teach, love and watch grow-up is very hard. But one of the hardest things about it is feeling like youre not fulfilling your calling in life the way that you thought you would; by being a mother. Having someone say that you are still teaching others around you through your great example can help fill that emptiness in your heart with something good.

12. Thank you.

One of the women I spoke with shared how she offered to take her nieces and nephews on vacation with them. Her brothers and sisters were always so grateful whenever they made this gesture. Serving others is also one way that she could cope with not having children of her own.

13. I like when people would include me in their big news even though they knew deep down it was hard for me.

Hearing that your sister is having her third child when you cant even have one is not easy. But being included in the excitement can make even those who have not had the opportunity to bear children of their own feel included.

14. I am sorry for you, that really sucks.

Not all people will appreciate the honesty of this comment, but it can be good to hear. If you havent gone through the struggles of getting pregnant, than you dont know what it is like and all you know how to do is tell them that you have sympathy for them.

15. Just say you love me.

Knowing that someone is there and loves them unconditionally could make all the difference in the world.
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From the book 'Outliers' comes proof that good health is more than just genetics
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Friends Jim Young, left, Mike Natale, Jeff Natale and Ryan Kiernan were on Greenwich High School football team together and Jim and Mike were captains. Jim, who was the youngest in Sherry Young's family, was welcome in the homes of the other three boys who still had siblings around and grandparents near. - photo by Sherry Young
As I look back on my life and the lives of others, both personally and in the reading I have done, I am convinced of the necessity of positive human contact in our lives. We are doubly blessed when we are able to make good friends or are a part of a family where we are accepted and loved.

Malcolm Gladwell in his book Outliers tells of a time in the 1950s when Dr. Stewart Wolf met a physician who practiced in the area of Roseto, Pennsylvania. Roseto was settled by a group of Italian families from Roseto, Italy, who re-created their life again in America.

This was in the 1950s before drugs and measures to prevent heart disease became important. In their conversation the physician said, You know, Ive been practicing for 17 years. I get patients from all over, and I rarely find anyone from Roseto under the age of 65 with heart disease.

Wolf was surprised by these words as, It was impossible to be a doctor, common sense said, and not see heart disease.

Wolf enlisted the aid of a sociologist and friend John Bruhn to help him. They found, There was no suicide, no alcoholism, no drug addiction, and very little crime. They didnt have anyone on welfare. Then we looked at peptic ulcers. They didnt have any of those either. These people were dying of old age. Thats it.

They checked into diet, genetics and possibilities of something in the foothills of eastern Pennsylvania but nothing made sense.

What they found was that Rosetans visited one another, stopping to chat in Italian on the street, say, or cooking for one another in their backyards. (Researchers) learned about the extended family clans that underlay the towns social structure. They saw how many homes had three generations living under one roof and how much respect grandparents commanded. They went to Mass at Our Lady of Mount Carmel and saw the unifying and calming effect of the church. They counted 22 separate civic organizations in a town of just under 2,000 people. They picked up on the particular egalitarian ethos of the community, which discouraged the wealthy from flaunting their success and helped the unsuccessful obscure their failures.

What they found eventually convinced the medical establishment to look beyond the individual and understand the culture people are part of their friends, families and town they came from. They determined that the people we surround ourselves with and the values of the world we inhabit have a profound effect on who we are.

Likely, this study could have been done with other ethnicities. However, my family's experiences with the Italian families in Connecticut ring true to the study. Our hungry and growing sons, especially our youngest son, Jim, who was left home alone with two beady-eyed parents, all had some memorable experiences being fed and loved in the Cos Cob multigenerational families. Proof of the African proverb, It takes a village to raise a child.

We live in an age when the contact we have with people often is on the internet, and many of us live among strangers. Unless we make the effort to reach out, we will become isolated, especially as we age. The Rosetan study is proof that reaching out and communicating may be good for our health.
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