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Leadership key when disciplining kids
Parenting
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Q: Several years ago, I married a widower who never disciplined his children. They now are 9, 14 and 16, and he still has a very difficult time denying them anything. I love them very much and think of them as my own, but I often feel like the “bad guy.” In this situation, should he be the main disciplinarian? He’s given me the responsibility (he has a very demanding job, thus his at-home hours are not reliable) and sometimes I feel like I’m drowning!
A: I often write and speak on “parenting from the marriage,” which means two things. First, the husband-wife relationship is the primary and most active relationship in the family. Second, the authority of both parents is equal. That principle is no less applicable when there is a stepparent on the scene.
The role of main disciplinarian depends on which parent is in the better position to deal with the majority of disciplinary issues. In your situation, it’s fairly obvious that you are that parent. Your husband certainly should be willing to step up to the plate when he’s home, and he absolutely should make it clear to the kids that he completely, without exception, supports your decisions concerning purchases, privileges, punishments and chores. When they test him on that account, and they will, he needs to back you without hesitation, even if he does not completely agree with your decision. If the kids find a crack, they will exploit it to the hilt.
By the way, this has little if anything to do with the fact that your hubby’s a widower. In the past 20 years or so, men have abdicated disciplinary responsibility en masse. It is the rare father these days who is more interested in providing leadership than developing relationship (which develops in its own time when proper leadership is provided). Putting leadership first doesn’t prevent a father from having good times with his kids. It just means that when the proverbial chips are down, he’s not concerned with whether or not they like the decisions he makes. And by the way, if that’s the understanding, the father-child relationship ultimately will be much richer and satisfying for all concerned.
Q: I know you believe it’s OK for parents to say “Because I said so,” but isn’t there some other way of saying the same thing?
A: There are a lot of ways of saying the same thing, but most of them are unnecessarily long-winded, as in “You aren’t old enough to consider all of the variables involved in this decision. I have experience in these matters; therefore, I am going to make the decision on your behalf.” I simply feel that BISS is more to the point. To be authoritative as opposed to authoritarian, it should be said calmly, without any hint of threat or anger. When the child complains that BISS isn’t a reason, simply say, “Well, it most certainly is, but you won’t agree until you have children of your own.”
Some folks say that children deserve “real” reasons. I point out that if a child does not like the decision a parent makes, the child will not like the parent’s reason. No child has ever said, “Dad, I gotta hand it to you, when you explain yourself like that, I can’t help but agree!” A child may not like BISS, but it says all that needs to be said.
But for parents who can’t bring themselves to say BISS, perhaps because it was rammed down their throats as kids, I recommend the following substitute: “Trust me.” After all, this is a matter of children eventually coming to the realization that whether or not they like their parents’ decisions, their parents are acting in their best interests.
           
A psychologist, Rosemond answers questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

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From the book 'Outliers' comes proof that good health is more than just genetics
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Friends Jim Young, left, Mike Natale, Jeff Natale and Ryan Kiernan were on Greenwich High School football team together and Jim and Mike were captains. Jim, who was the youngest in Sherry Young's family, was welcome in the homes of the other three boys who still had siblings around and grandparents near. - photo by Sherry Young
As I look back on my life and the lives of others, both personally and in the reading I have done, I am convinced of the necessity of positive human contact in our lives. We are doubly blessed when we are able to make good friends or are a part of a family where we are accepted and loved.

Malcolm Gladwell in his book Outliers tells of a time in the 1950s when Dr. Stewart Wolf met a physician who practiced in the area of Roseto, Pennsylvania. Roseto was settled by a group of Italian families from Roseto, Italy, who re-created their life again in America.

This was in the 1950s before drugs and measures to prevent heart disease became important. In their conversation the physician said, You know, Ive been practicing for 17 years. I get patients from all over, and I rarely find anyone from Roseto under the age of 65 with heart disease.

Wolf was surprised by these words as, It was impossible to be a doctor, common sense said, and not see heart disease.

Wolf enlisted the aid of a sociologist and friend John Bruhn to help him. They found, There was no suicide, no alcoholism, no drug addiction, and very little crime. They didnt have anyone on welfare. Then we looked at peptic ulcers. They didnt have any of those either. These people were dying of old age. Thats it.

They checked into diet, genetics and possibilities of something in the foothills of eastern Pennsylvania but nothing made sense.

What they found was that Rosetans visited one another, stopping to chat in Italian on the street, say, or cooking for one another in their backyards. (Researchers) learned about the extended family clans that underlay the towns social structure. They saw how many homes had three generations living under one roof and how much respect grandparents commanded. They went to Mass at Our Lady of Mount Carmel and saw the unifying and calming effect of the church. They counted 22 separate civic organizations in a town of just under 2,000 people. They picked up on the particular egalitarian ethos of the community, which discouraged the wealthy from flaunting their success and helped the unsuccessful obscure their failures.

What they found eventually convinced the medical establishment to look beyond the individual and understand the culture people are part of their friends, families and town they came from. They determined that the people we surround ourselves with and the values of the world we inhabit have a profound effect on who we are.

Likely, this study could have been done with other ethnicities. However, my family's experiences with the Italian families in Connecticut ring true to the study. Our hungry and growing sons, especially our youngest son, Jim, who was left home alone with two beady-eyed parents, all had some memorable experiences being fed and loved in the Cos Cob multigenerational families. Proof of the African proverb, It takes a village to raise a child.

We live in an age when the contact we have with people often is on the internet, and many of us live among strangers. Unless we make the effort to reach out, we will become isolated, especially as we age. The Rosetan study is proof that reaching out and communicating may be good for our health.
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