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The cry-it-out method: Child abuse or parenting choice?
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A mother comforts her crying baby. Erin Stewart writes about the debate over allowing babies to cry it out and self-soothe. - photo by Erin Stewart
Nighttime can be a nightmare for parents of babies who didnt get the memo about sleeping. All parents want is quiet and maybe some shut-eye, but that little one wont. Stop. Crying.

So parents have essentially two choices in this moment: Let the baby cry it out until they eventually cry themselves to sleep, or go to the baby and soothe him to sleep if possible.

Sounds like a pretty simple choice, right?

Not so fast. This one little choice has raised quite a bit of contention online and in parenting discussions over the years. The fans of the cry-it-out method say the babies will never learn to self-soothe if mom or dad always rescue them in the night. The opposing camp says babies need to be nurtured day or night and ignoring their cries could do long-term emotional and neurological damage.

So to all you exhausted mothers at 2 a.m. trying to decide who to believe, good luck.

The debate has risen to the surface again recently after a prominent pediatric group in New York and Los Angeles recommended that babies as young as 2 months old should be allowed to cry it out using the extinction method where adults do not soothe or intervene after a child has been put in his or her crib. These younger babies are easier to train, they say, because they havent yet learned the habit of expecting a parent to soothe them.

Some of the comments in response to the article equate crying it out to child abuse, calling it cruel and inhumane.

Like all things in parenthood, there is probably no one right answer and no parent who is actually doing everything right.

For our first daughter, we were all swept up in the amazement of parenting and created a string of bad sleep habits for her. We let her sleep with us. We kept her up late at night to play with us. We ran in to check on her when she was crying to make sure she was OK and when she wasnt crying to make sure she was still alive.

The result? We created a monster.

By the time she was a year old, we were sleep-deprived and going out of our minds with our daughter who could not go to sleep without one of us rocking her. Even then, she thought it was playtime.

So, we turned to a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and embarked on a modified sleep-training routine where we would let her cry for short periods that gradually got longer. We would check on her often, patting her and soothing her briefly.

The first few nights were rough, but we stuck to the plan. And we all survived.

Let me be clear here: We never let our daughter scream for hours. We did not feel like the extinction method of letting a baby cry until they fall asleep alone was right for us. We did not neglect her, but we did let her cry.

And when our second daughter was born, we didnt make the same sleep mistakes. We did sleep training while she was young with consistent bedtimes and routines. Lo and behold, we never had to let her cry it out.

Im sure some people will disagree that we let our first daughter cry or self-soothe at all. Im fine to agree to disagree.

But what irks me is when people get on their soap boxes to tell other moms they are doing motherhood wrong. To accuse someone of child abuse for trying to help their child sleep is outrageous, and to use scare tactics to prevent a sleep-deprived mother from doing what she needs to do to keep her sanity is just plain wrong. I'm all for more information about various sleep methods, but the judgment has to stop.

Those nights when I let my first daughter cry it out were some of the hardest of my young mothering life. I was not neglecting her. I was not taking the easy way out. I was doing what I thought was best for my baby because she was exhausted, I was exhausted and the cycle had to end.

If you are a perfect mother, way to go. Shoot me an email with some tips. Otherwise, lets all agree that were doing our best and doing what we think is best for our children. Even if we disagree on everything else, can we at least agree to that?

What sleep-training plan worked best in your babies? Did you ever try a version of the cry-it-out method?
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New Medicare cards are in the mail and scammers are on the prowl
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The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services has begun mailing new Medicare Health Insurance ID cards. The program no longer uses Social Security numbers to identify people. - photo by Lois M Collins
The federal government is beginning to send out new ID cards to the 58 million Americans who benefit from Medicare. But since many of the people who will receive them don't know they're coming or why, scammers are already gearing up to take advantage.

An AARP survey shows as many as three-fourths of Americans 65 and older have no idea the cards are coming, so some individuals may be duped with claims that they're supposed to pay a fee or provide personal information that will be used, instead, to defraud them.

The new cards are the first reissue in years, and the most striking part of the redesign is that the cards no longer carry the beneficiary's Social Security number. Congress mandated the removal of that number as an identifier for Medicare beneficiaries by next April. Instead, the card has a Medicare Beneficiary Identifier number, an 11-digit combination of numbers and letters.

The new Medicare cards are now being mailed out in batches, starting with the Eastern seaboard and moving west. Most Medicare beneficiaries will receive their cards over the next six months, as long as the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) has their correct mailing address. Once the cards are in hand, people can share the new identification number with their health care providers. During a transition period, either card is valid.

The old cards, which used Social Security numbers as the personal identification number, should be destroyed.

AARP recently launched an education campaign to warn consumers about scams related to the new Medicare cards.

The membership organization's "Fraud Watch" consultant, Frank Abagnale reformed con man, scammer and the subject of the movie and book "Catch Me If You Can" tells senior citizens the only time they need to carry the actual Medicare card is to health care appointments. Otherwise, it should be left in a safe place. If they want to carry one in their wallet or purse, he says, make a copy and black out the first seven numbers.

Since the cards were announced, scammers have already:

  • Called seniors and asked for their bank account information so that money on their old card could be returned. There is no money on the old card and CMS never asks for personal information over the phone.
  • Offered to send the new card after Medicare beneficiaries pay a $25 fee to cover expenses related to the card. The card is free.
  • Said the card will be mailed out as soon as the older person verifies his or her Social Security number, mailing address and other personal information. CMS already knows the beneficiary's Social Security number and it's no longer being used in conjunction with health care.
AARP and the Federal Trade Commission will hold a free online seminar about the cards and the fraud attempts they have spawned on Thursday, April 19, at 7 p.m. EDT. Register at: www.aarp.org/FraudWebinar. CMS also offers a "frequently asked questions" guide to the new cards.

The AARP Fraud Watch Network says consumers can sign up for its Watchdog Alert emails that deliver breaking scam information, or call a free helpline at 877-908-3360 to speak with volunteers trained in fraud counseling. Abagnale also hosts a weekly podcast for AARP, called The Perfect Scam.
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