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There's no such thing as a bad kid: Navigating teenage behavior problems
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We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. -Albert Einstein. - photo by Anastasia Pollock, MA, LCMHC
I am at my wits end! I just dont know what to do with her! This is usually the first statement I hear from a caregiver coming into therapy to address behavior problems in a teenager. When a teen is acting out behaviorally, caregivers are often left feeling helpless and hopeless that the situation can improve. They become exhausted and dont know what to say or do to help the teen. Here, I list tips that I give the caregivers who seek help from me that will help to better understand the teen and better your relationship during this sensitive time in his or her life.

Do not label the teen as 'bad.'

The teen that is acting out is often branded as a bad kid. But here is the thing: In my professional career, I have never met a bad kid. I have met a lot of teens that are struggling with emotions, their identities and problems at home and school, but none of them have been bad at their core. When a teen acts out behaviorally, he is trying to send a message. The brains of adolescents have not yet fully developed, and they lack some of the skills most adults have to manage intense emotion. Add the fact that hormones are usually raging as they hit puberty and you have the perfect combination for your teen to start showing behavior problems.

Assuming that the teen is bad can impact how you react to the behaviors and can cause her to form negative beliefs about herself, which can seriously hurt self-esteem, confidence and any motivation she may have to change her behavior. In addition, this assumption can do major damage to the parent/child relationship, which can last into her adulthood.

I encourage parents and caregivers to send a clear message that you believe the teen is good at her core. It is certainly appropriate to point out behaviors which are not acceptable, but be specific about the behavior and do not generalize that behavior into his character. Example: When you yelled at me, I felt hurt and disappointed because that behavior is disrespectful instead of You are so disrespectful and rude! What is wrong with you?

Dont take the words and behaviors personally.

This is easier said than done. Sometimes teens can say very hurtful things to a well-meaning caregiver. The situation worsens when the caregiver strikes back at the teen with a behavior or words motivated by that hurt, and the problem will most likely escalate and cause damage to the relationship.

Take some time for yourself to step back from the situation to give yourself space to process your emotions that come up as a result of the teens verbalizations or behavior. It is OK to say I need to take a moment for myself and walk away. Allow yourself to feel the emotion you need to feel, and then remind yourself that the teen is hurting and lashing out. Her words and behaviors are about her emotional pain, not necessarily about you. Just make sure you come back to the issue later in order to address the behavior in the fashion outlined in the previous section.

See the behaviors as something they are trying to communicate.

Kids of all ages use their behaviors to communicate with adults about things they cannot yet verbalize. Consider the baby who cries because he is hungry or uncomfortable. As children grow, they develop the ability to start using language to communicate their needs, but remember, as mentioned formerly, their brains are not completely developed in adolescence so they sometimes continue to use behaviors as a way to communicate.

When you see your teen acting out, think about the message he is likely trying to send. For example, I hate you! can mean I am really confused and hate the way I feel right now, or I hate feeling as though I dont have much control in my life.

Instead of reacting emotionally, follow through with the steps in the preceding section and then return to the situation when BOTH of you are calm and say something like, It seems that there is a lot going on. Can you tell me what you are feeling so we can try to work this out? At this point, listening is crucial. Even if you feel like what the teen is asking for is completely out of the question, making him feel heard and talking out the logic behind parental decisions can help him feel more involved and help them to accept whatever decision is made. Every teen I have had in therapy sends the same message about just wanting to be heard and understood.

Get outside help.

There are just some issues that a teen doesn't want to discuss with her parents or caregivers. This is when it is very important to make sure that she has someone to talk to like a therapist, school counselor or trusted aunt or uncle. Raising a child is much easier for both the parent and child when there are more people involved. This will take pressure off the parent and give the teen a person in whom she can confide those things they just dont want their parents to know.

Be willing to make changes at home.

As I said earlier, I have never met a bad teen. I have consistently seen that although the teen is usually the identified patient in therapy, it is usually something happening systematically in the family that really needs to be addressed. If you seek therapy for your teen, be prepared to attend family sessions and parent sessions. These sessions are not a place for the therapist to tell you what you have been doing is wrong, but rather a place to get extra support and ideas to implement in the home that will bring about the change you desire. It is very hard for a teen to change behaviors when the parents are not willing to also make changes.

Keep in mind that being a teenager is hard. It is a time in life when we try to figure out who we are and where we fit in the world. It is also a time of drastic changes physically and emotionally. Having compassion for a teen can go a long way in starting the conversations that need to happen to address behavior issues.
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New Medicare cards are in the mail and scammers are on the prowl
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The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services has begun mailing new Medicare Health Insurance ID cards. The program no longer uses Social Security numbers to identify people. - photo by Lois M Collins
The federal government is beginning to send out new ID cards to the 58 million Americans who benefit from Medicare. But since many of the people who will receive them don't know they're coming or why, scammers are already gearing up to take advantage.

An AARP survey shows as many as three-fourths of Americans 65 and older have no idea the cards are coming, so some individuals may be duped with claims that they're supposed to pay a fee or provide personal information that will be used, instead, to defraud them.

The new cards are the first reissue in years, and the most striking part of the redesign is that the cards no longer carry the beneficiary's Social Security number. Congress mandated the removal of that number as an identifier for Medicare beneficiaries by next April. Instead, the card has a Medicare Beneficiary Identifier number, an 11-digit combination of numbers and letters.

The new Medicare cards are now being mailed out in batches, starting with the Eastern seaboard and moving west. Most Medicare beneficiaries will receive their cards over the next six months, as long as the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) has their correct mailing address. Once the cards are in hand, people can share the new identification number with their health care providers. During a transition period, either card is valid.

The old cards, which used Social Security numbers as the personal identification number, should be destroyed.

AARP recently launched an education campaign to warn consumers about scams related to the new Medicare cards.

The membership organization's "Fraud Watch" consultant, Frank Abagnale reformed con man, scammer and the subject of the movie and book "Catch Me If You Can" tells senior citizens the only time they need to carry the actual Medicare card is to health care appointments. Otherwise, it should be left in a safe place. If they want to carry one in their wallet or purse, he says, make a copy and black out the first seven numbers.

Since the cards were announced, scammers have already:

  • Called seniors and asked for their bank account information so that money on their old card could be returned. There is no money on the old card and CMS never asks for personal information over the phone.
  • Offered to send the new card after Medicare beneficiaries pay a $25 fee to cover expenses related to the card. The card is free.
  • Said the card will be mailed out as soon as the older person verifies his or her Social Security number, mailing address and other personal information. CMS already knows the beneficiary's Social Security number and it's no longer being used in conjunction with health care.
AARP and the Federal Trade Commission will hold a free online seminar about the cards and the fraud attempts they have spawned on Thursday, April 19, at 7 p.m. EDT. Register at: www.aarp.org/FraudWebinar. CMS also offers a "frequently asked questions" guide to the new cards.

The AARP Fraud Watch Network says consumers can sign up for its Watchdog Alert emails that deliver breaking scam information, or call a free helpline at 877-908-3360 to speak with volunteers trained in fraud counseling. Abagnale also hosts a weekly podcast for AARP, called The Perfect Scam.
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