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Be invisible, command animals for $24.95
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By Jeff Whitten
Have you ever wanted to be invisible? Have you ever thought it would be a good idea to keep a squirrel in your pocket in case you might suddenly need one?
What about commanding your own flock of birds? Or have you long thought the one thing should be able to do that you can’t is teach your dog how to walk on stilts?
Well, now you can do all the above and more, according to a Web site I stumbled across Thursday.
The site, at, doesn’t promise it will make you invisible or teach you how to command animals.
But it hawks a couple books (for $24.95), which supposedly will.
The first is called “The Secret of Invisibility.”
Right off, you probably should know you won’t be able to turn yourself invisible simply by buying the book. Not hardly.
You have to apply yourself, according to an open letter from the publisher -- a fellow named Bill W. Williams whom I didn’t call for fear of being turned into a newt or suddenly finding an angry squirrel in my pocket.  
He likened the path to becoming invisible to learning to play the piano. You can’t do that overnight, and you certainly can’t make yourself invisible overnight either.
“Modern consumers want instant gratification,” Mr. Williams’s open letter said, and he’s right about that.
“This information can’t provide that,” Williams said. “It takes a bit of time to acquire the ability and a willingness to really try before the skill is mastered.”
That makes sense. Heck, if it was easy to be invisible we’d all be turning ourselves off and on whenever we felt like it.
And that would  probably lead to anarchy, even if you couldn’t see it.  
But I digress.
According to a free preview of “Secrets of Invisibility,” availalbe on the site, we 21st century people “have a ‘modern’ mind. It’s full of science & stuff.”
That’s how the book preview puts it, anyway. "It's full of science & stuff."
Actually, my mind is a bit light on the science part. But it makes up for it by being crammed full with plenty of the “& stuff.”
What’s more, the Web site claims the CIA and foreign agencies use the same method taught in Secrets of Invisilibty” It also reassuringly notes that “this works even when you’re completely surrounded by cameras or people.”  
That's a relief. It’s no fun being invisible if no one’s around to see it.
And the Web site promises there is no mumbo jumbo, hocus pocus, burning candles, magic wands, alchemy or hidden symbols involved in this pursuit of transparency.
No hype either.
“No disappointment," the site claims.  "You get just what we promise. No astral ‘trips’ to other worlds or dimensions. You walk the earth.”
And there’s this, too. The book is for sale for “moral purposes only” -- meaning its off limits to politicians -- and is available only to adults 18 and older.  
That’s probably a good thing. After all, we all know that only people 18 and older are responsible enough to use the awesome secrets of invisibility for good.
And at whatever the cost, this book is quite a bargain. “This ultra special ability will amaze you for the rest of your life,” the website promises.
Anytime you’re looking at something that is ‘ultra special,” you know it’s got to be better than ordinary special.
What’s more, this is a two for one deal. Buy the invisibility book and as a “free bonus” you get “The Wizard’s Book of Animal Secrets.”
It doesn’t say which wizard they’re talking about, but does claim to provide readers with the “secret methods used to rule and command birds, insects, mammals & reptiles … even fish!”
With it, you can learn to control snakes, bees, gnats and houseflies, the Web site claims.
And in case you're so inclined, you can finally teach your dog to “walk & dance on stilts” or command “your cat to use the bathroom toilet” or probably anyone else’s, come to to think of it.
The book also promises to teach you  about “the magic world of frogs & toads.” You can tame wild horses “when others have failed.”
The publisher of these tomes takes credit cards. On the other hand, maybe you can get them to bill it to your squirrel.

Whitten is editor of the Bryan County News.
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