HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Trump vowed to halt a caravan of Central Americans walking toward the U.S. border demanding refugee status. Enforcement isn’t helped by the language barrier. Last week in Los Angeles court, two Mexican guys showed up for their deportation hearing and the judge married them.
President Trump opened the Easter Egg Roll by boasting in a speech to 3-year-old toddlers about our economy and military, while he stood next to a six-foot rabbit with giant round glasses. TV viewers nearly died laughing. Better still, the polls show he’s only two porn stars away from re-election.
Bill Cosby’s drug rape retrial got underway in Philadelphia this week. Things are starting to look up for the comedian. The Boxing Hall of Fame is considering plans to induct Bill Cosby after testimony revealed he’s knocked out more people than Joe Louis and Muhammed Ali combined.
President William McKinley’s statue may be removed from a California town over his Indian policy, now deemed imperialistic. Every statue has a controversy. Hawaii is considering having a statue of President Obama, built by locals, near his birthplace, and then shipped overseas to Hawaii.
Arnold Schwarzenegger checked into St. John’s Hospital in Santa Monica over the weekend for emergency heart surgery through which he sailed with flying colors. His family said Arnold came out of surgery just fine. Ten minutes after regaining consciousness, he took a turn for the nurse.
Lindsay Lohan lost her lawsuit against the makers of Grand Theft Auto V video game, which she says used her image without permission. She’s still working. In a new commercial for Geico, Lohan reveals she saved 15 percent on car insurance by leaving the scene of the accident.
The U.S. Army was reported Friday set to implement much tougher boot camp physical training for recruits. They are overwhelmingly out-of-shape and poorly disciplined. You know the obesity epidemic is out-of-hand when we couldn’t invade North Korea last fall because it was deemed too hilly.
Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman rented out the entire Four Seasons Hotel on Doheny Drive in Los Angeles. He’s in town for three days of meetings with entertainment industry titans. In case you’re wondering, the four seasons in L.A. are earthquake, brushfire, audition and sex rehab.
South Africa’s Winnie Mandela died Sunday in the midst of a controversy she enjoyed. There are tensions now over African tribes reclaiming land from the descendants of European colonial settlers. It may turn out Winnie Mandela didn’t just buy the farm, she seized it from its white owners.
The FBI warned consumers that identity thieves are selling card numbers and birth dates and Social Security numbers they derive from debit card receipts. A recent survey shows that one out of every four Americans never carry any cash. They are known as arts and science degree graduates.
Baylor University revealed last week it paid off former president Ken Starr’s $5 million contract in the wake of the Baylor football team’s sex scandals, 20 years after Starr oversaw Bill Clinton’s. He should be a saint for all he’s seen. Southern Baptists have only one saint, and that’s the last living Confederate widow.
Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn sold his stock in Wynn Resorts Monday and gave up his title as CEO. Wynn was busted by the hotel masseuse and manicurist for sexually harassing them. For all the jobs you hear that robots will cost, you never hear about the jobs that some robots would save.
President Trump invited Vladimir Putin to the White House for a summit meeting sometime this spring. The U.S. has the moral high ground now. Russia test-launched a stealth ICBM missile they called the Satan-2 on Good Friday, essentially admitting that they’ve been the bad guys all along.
Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.