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Nurturing, discipline are not mutually exclusive
Parenting
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“Well, I mean, I’m the nurturer, right?” she said.
I was talking to a mother about a disciplinary issue she was having with one of her children when she made some comment concerning her overall approach to parenting. I asked why she felt the way she did, and the above remark was her response.
“Are you asking me a question or giving me information?” I asked.
That caught her off guard. After a few deer-in-the-headlights moments, she said, “Well, I guess I’m giving you information. I feel like it’s my job to be the nurturer.”
That told me why she was having discipline problems with her child. After all, the nurturer doesn’t demand proper behavior of her children. She nurtures. It occurred to me that this woman was speaking for many if not most mothers of her generation, women who have put themselves in a box that prevents them from being a disciplinary force for their children to reckon with.
Yes, mothers are supposed to be nurturing, but then, so are fathers. But being nurturing when nurturing is called for and being the nurturer are two very different things. The former is all about being flexible, open, sensitive, adaptable. Courtesy of the latter self-definition, a mother paints herself into a corner.
My mother was nurturing, but she was also demanding (of certain things), intolerant (of certain things), inflexible (when it came to certain things) and even downright scary at times (about certain things). I knew she loved me, but I also knew better than to cross certain lines she had drawn in the sand. In that regard, my mom was like most moms of her time.
I am a member of the last generation of American children who were afraid of their nurturing mothers. Today’s nurturer is afraid of her children. Most of all, she is afraid of their disapproval. She is also constantly afraid that she is not living up to some standard of good nurturing, which involves never being demanding, intolerant, inflexible and scary.
By the way, being scary is not synonymous with screaming or other symptoms of cerebral meltdown. It is communicating to one’s children a calm and powerful determination to this effect: You are going to accept your responsibilities, do your best at all times, treat others with respect and dignity, accept “no” for an answer, and control your uncivilized impulses.
This is not accomplished by losing control. It requires control, which a mother who denies herself the right to make those demands of her children — that is, a mother who defines herself as the nurturer — is likely to lose on a regular basis. Then she feels flooded by guilt because losing control is not nurturing. She atones for her guilt by doing some act or acts of extreme nurturance, meaning she lets her children know that she is available to walk all over whenever they want a doormat.
It is supremely ironic that over the past 40 years or so, women have stepped forward and claimed authority in the military, education, churches, corporations, politics and the professions and have been persuaded to all but completely abdicate their authority over their children. The further irony is that women enforce this ubiquitous state of maternal powerlessness on one another. Heaven help the mother who, in front of other mothers, focuses a calm scariness on her misbehaving child. She will not be informed of the next play date. Her exile will last as long as it takes for her to come to grips with what it means to be the nurturer.
The last and most ironic of ironies is that these same mothers worry about the effect of peer pressure on their teenage children.


Rosemond, a family psychologist, answers questions at his Web site: www.rosemond.com.
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Visit with children a real eye-opener
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One of my favorite activities as a state senator is when I get to speak to students at our local schools. This year, I spoke to third-grade students at May Howard Elementary and Marshpoint Elementary in Chatham County and Button Gwinnett Elementary in Liberty County.
The students from each of the schools had been studying civics and were familiar with the three branches of government — executive, judicial and legislative. I explained my role as a senator in the legislative process and told the children how the citizen legislature in the state of Georgia works.
Presenting each of the schools with a Georgia state flag, I explained the three principles for which the state flag stands — wisdom, justice and moderation — and had them recite the pledge to the flag with me. 
The students at all three schools were bright, respectful and well-disciplined — a tribute to their families and especially to their teachers, who had prepared the students for my visit with ideas for great questions.
The students in Ms. Hutchinson’s class at Marshpoint Elementary were impressive in singing the preamble to the Constitution during my visit. What a great way to learn such an important part of our nation’s history — another wonderful example of the great job our teachers are doing.
I was delighted last week to receive thank-you letters from some of the students. Here are excerpts from a few of their letters:
 
Dear Mr. Carter,
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to come speak to us. I learned so much! I learned that there are two kinds of Pledge of Allegiances. That is pretty cool.
Do you travel all over the world do you? I really like that you taught me more about the three branches of government.
— Megan
 
Dear Sen. Carter,
Thank you for telling us about your job and your favorite thing about your job. I liked the Georgia state flag. I still have more questions. Do you have to work on Saturday and Sunday? Are you the only one who makes the laws?
Yours truly,
Ryleigh 


Dear Sen. Buddy Carter,
Thank you for coming and letting us have a little bit of your time. I want you to know that I learned something new. The Georgia pledge! Justice, wisdom and modesty! Thanks again!
— Liam
 
Dear Sen. Buddy Carter,
Thank you for coming and helping us learn more about the government and some of your job. Thank you for giving us a Georgia flag. It was fun when you came. Thank you for giving us some questions so we could answer them.
P.S. Did you ride in a limousine? I was going to ask you a question but then I forgot. But now I remember. How many rooms are there where you work? You can send me a note if you can.
Your friend,
Erin
 
I’m uncertain whether the students learned as much from me during my visit as I learned from them. One thing that I was reminded of was the honesty that comes from the innocence of childhood. I wasn’t quite sure how to interpret some of the questions, such as the one asked in this letter:
 
Dear Sen. Carter,
I loved your speech. Thanks for coming to our school. I think my favorite part was when we held the flag. It was so fun! I have a question: How many people voted for you?
Sincerely,
Shelly
 
I also was more than a little concerned about a recurring question in the thank-you notes that was posed to me during one of my visits by a beautiful, brown-eyed girl who, with a very serious look on her face, asked “Did you ever get re-elected be-fore?”


What a great group of young people! My faith and hope in our future has been reassured. What an amazing job our families and teachers are doing on a daily basis to support and encourage our next generation. Thank you for your dedication to teaching our leaders of tomor-row.

Sen. Buddy Carter can be reached at Coverdell Legislative Office Building (C.L.O.B.) Room 301-A, Atlanta, GA, 30334. His Capitol office number is 404-656-5109

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