I recently bought a new hair straightener (or flat iron — whatever you call it). It came with a pamphlet of info that included tips, suggestions, hairstyles and a 1-800 number to call in case the user runs into problems. The pamphlet didn’t specify what kind of problems, which I found amusing. Do they mean if I have mechanical problems with the straightener? Or do they mean if I have problems styling my hair using the tips and tricks provided in the brochure?

I really hope they meant the latter. I’d almost pay money to listen in on those calls. I can just imagine it would likely go something like this:

Hair hotline operator: “Thank you for calling the hair hotline. How may I help you?”

Panicked flat-iron user: “Yes, I’m trying to do a half-braid, half-curl, side-swept updo and I’m just really having a lot of trouble with it. What should I do?”

Operator: “Remain calm, ma’am. We will figure this out together. Did you use conditioner before flat-ironing your hair?”

Flat-iron user: “Conditioner?! No, I didn’t think about that! Is that what I should do?”

Operator: “Yes, ma’am. We find that conditioner smooths and coats the hair strands, which makes them softer, easier to work with and more likely to stay in place once you’ve finished styling your hair.”

Flat-iron user: “OK, got it. Any certain brand of conditioner?”

Operator: “Any brand will do the trick, but for an extra-sleek look and added moisture, try a leave-in conditioning cream. Again, any brand is fine.”

Flat-iron user: “Great! I’ll do that. Thanks so much for your help. I was really starting to get pretty freaked out. I appreciate your willingness to talk me through this.”

Operator: “No problem, ma’am. That’s why we’re here. Thank you for calling the hair hotline.”

Also, I think I’d like to get a job working the phones at the hair hotline call center. Although I imagine it would be hard to keep a straight face and laughter out of my voice when taking the calls.