Yep, this is about Bigfoot again. Please bear with me.
You see, I thought I had sworn off that subject for a while, but then that cable network that features “things that go bump in the night” announced new episodes were forthcoming that would dramatically affect the non-believers.
So I bit.
But, the only thing different I could tell was that they apparently have fired the guy with the fog machine, and they’ve abandoned the use of that choir in the background that goes “aaaaahhhhhh.”
So here are several guys and gals out in the woods at night. Someone has reported seeing a hairy creature running across a dirt road. They immediately excluded the possibility that the guy who saw this creature might have been returning home from an Octoberfest celebration, and he was still influenced by the refreshments.
Keep in mind that it’s night. Looking for such creatures carries more of an eerie aura at night as opposed to right after lunch. And they have invested in night vision goggles, which makes everything look green.
The team is voicing excitement that this creature might actually be playing hide and seek with them. One thing I was immediately curious about though: not one of them was armed. That tells me they didn’t really expect to find such a creature – not that they would want to harm it, but there is the thought of self-preservation.
But as luck would have it, they didn’t find Bigfoot. In this episode, they were calling him “Sasquatch.” Sasquatch is an old Indian word that means “let’s screw with the white man.”
One of the crew gives out a holler, mimicking what they say is the sound of a sasquatch. Then they listen. There is a noise, and in unison they ask, “Did you hear that?” To me it sounded like a tree limb falling. And I suppose they ruled out the possibility that the sound could have been related to the baked beans they had at the truck stop a few hours earlier.
Then the camera turned to one of the crew – who looked like an extra from the movie “Deliverance,” except he was green – and I quote: “I do believe we have a “squatch” in these here woods.”
Now they’re calling him “Squatch.” Next thing they will be calling the Chupacabra “Chewy.” I don’t have a nickname for the Yetti, at least not “Yet.”
They did find a track, though. I couldn’t make heads or tales of it, but they could distinctly make out toes, heel, his approximate height and weight and that he probably voted Democratic in the last election. If only Gen. Custer had hired trackers with such prowess, he might have waited for backup at the Little Bighorn.
Now, they did something during this episode I thought was really cute. They offered a quiz like so many of these “outdoor” shows are prone to do. It asked, is the average Bigfoot (a.) 7 feet, 2 inches tall (b.) 9 feet, 6 inches, or (c.) 10 feet, 4 inches?
Outside of the fact that one has never been found, dead or alive, the answer is 7 feet, 2 inches. I guessed correctly.
I’m just playing with these guys, but I would like to have a set of those night vision goggles, though. Not because I want to find a “squatch.” But green is my favorite color. And that’s kind of surprising, given an incident in my childhood that involved a homemade cigar.
But here’s a thought. Let’s say these enthusiasts do happen to discover Bigfoot. That will once and for all put away that question about a tree falling in the forest. If there’s no one there to hear it, did it make any sound? Then we can ask Bigfoot.
Walden is editor/publisher of the Moultrie Observer and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.