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Vic Waters: Royal wedding spectacle
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I believe that we are about to witness the biggest whoop-de-do since the invention of the Glennville Onion Festival. The royal wedding is a big deal, to say the least. Why, even Elton John and his life partner are attending. They are bringing that little baby they bought. Other celebs who are scheduled to attend include Paul McCartney and Lady Gaga.
Some of the attendees are just regular folks like the bartender who works at the pub where Princess Kate likes to hang out and do Jello shots. The royals also invited the guy who mows and weed-eats the trailer park where Prince Willie used to live. It’s good to see they’re throwing a few crumbs to the po’ folks and allowing some of the party favors to trickle down, so to speak.
I just hope and pray that they don’t let uncle Ernest come. The last wedding he went to, he got so drunk he tried to go to the loo in the fireplace. Kate about fainted and that’s saying a lot because she’s seen Harry, or, as she likes to call him, bro-in-law, so whacked out he thought Boy George was his prom date.
A lot of people in Great Britain complain about the money that is spent yearly to support the queen mum’s habit. I hear the royal dysfunctional family receives $63 million a year, plus expenses, which comes to about $300 million. Now you might think this is an awful lot of dough to hand over just because these people are friends with Ringo, but listen to this: It only costs the citizens about $1 for each man, woman and child. And the royal family supposedly brings in more tourist dollars than that killer whale that ate his trainer in Orlando. On the other hand, the chancellor of Germany earns the same amount and doesn’t bring in any more tourism pesos than Chico’s Monkey Farm at its peak. Do the math.
Now, I’m no stranger to royal weddings. I went to Billy Jo Royal’s fifth wedding. It also was a grand affair. The Kickin Chicken catered the meal and there was a live band and a karaoke DJ.
I read that 500 million people will be watching William and Kate’s wedding. That’s more than the Super Bowl, Michael Jackson’s funeral and Darwin Gale’s inauguration as grand master flash of the fleet combined. I’m just saying that unless Elvis is found alive and he’s still 40 years old, it’s going to be hard to top the nuptialization of Willie and Katie.
The Queen Mother (Elizabeth, not Latifah) and Harry will be in the front row at Westminster Abbey. Elton and what’s-his-name will be somewhere in the back. I just hope they can keep that young’un from squalling while the ceremony is going on.
I wish them both the best but I just don’t know. Kate’s already complaining about the word “obey” in the vows. The next thing you know, William will be the one wearing the tiara and Kate’ll be spanking him with a fly swatter.
She might be a hard dog to keep under the porch.

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