Q: I’ve been a teacher for years, and with the school year starting, I wanted to ask about the problem of kindergarten and even older children throwing fits when it’s time for them to separate from their mothers in the morning. Some of the kids won’t even get out of the car without a battle. It seems and the other veteran teachers I speak with that this problem is worse than it was, say, 20 years ago. What can teachers do to help these parents get their kids into school happy?
A: I don’t have any statistics, nor am I aware of any, but by all accounts separation anxiety — as it’s called — among children is indeed far more prevalent than it was in the good old days when adults ruled the world and children did as they were told. Confirming your impression, the people my age (61) I’ve polled on the subject cannot remember any children having this problem when we were in school.
The problem, I am convinced, is parents, not kids. It’s a given that today's parents — mothers especially — have far more difficulty separating from their children than did parents of a generation or more ago. This is due in part to the nefarious nouveau notion that the Good Mother does as much for her kids as she possibly can and is at her kids’ beck-and-call. The mom who sets her sights on clearing this nouveau “mother bar” is likely to fall short when it comes to helping her kids develop an independent, adventurous spirit and a clear sense of autonomy.
The dwindling use of babysitters is a related factor. It’s not at all unusual to hear — usually from a dad who’s lost his wife on the childrearing merry-go-round — that a mom has refused for all of the first four years of her child’s life to leave said child with a sitter. The fact is children learn to separate easily by finding out that separation is not an apocalyptic event, and the earlier they learn this, the better.
Then there’s “stranger danger,” which schools and the media have blown out of proportion, contributing to children thinking that if their parents are out of their sight, the “candy man” is going to snatch them.
Whatever the root of the problem, keep in mind the mother may be more anxious than the child. A teacher or administrator who sees a mom having difficulty separating from her child should say, “I’ll be glad to help. In our experience, most kids stop crying the minute they know mom is gone. So just hand him over and you leave as quickly as possible. Give us your cell phone number. If there’s a problem, we’ll call you.” And get the mom out of there!
A psychologist, Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.
A: I don’t have any statistics, nor am I aware of any, but by all accounts separation anxiety — as it’s called — among children is indeed far more prevalent than it was in the good old days when adults ruled the world and children did as they were told. Confirming your impression, the people my age (61) I’ve polled on the subject cannot remember any children having this problem when we were in school.
The problem, I am convinced, is parents, not kids. It’s a given that today's parents — mothers especially — have far more difficulty separating from their children than did parents of a generation or more ago. This is due in part to the nefarious nouveau notion that the Good Mother does as much for her kids as she possibly can and is at her kids’ beck-and-call. The mom who sets her sights on clearing this nouveau “mother bar” is likely to fall short when it comes to helping her kids develop an independent, adventurous spirit and a clear sense of autonomy.
The dwindling use of babysitters is a related factor. It’s not at all unusual to hear — usually from a dad who’s lost his wife on the childrearing merry-go-round — that a mom has refused for all of the first four years of her child’s life to leave said child with a sitter. The fact is children learn to separate easily by finding out that separation is not an apocalyptic event, and the earlier they learn this, the better.
Then there’s “stranger danger,” which schools and the media have blown out of proportion, contributing to children thinking that if their parents are out of their sight, the “candy man” is going to snatch them.
Whatever the root of the problem, keep in mind the mother may be more anxious than the child. A teacher or administrator who sees a mom having difficulty separating from her child should say, “I’ll be glad to help. In our experience, most kids stop crying the minute they know mom is gone. So just hand him over and you leave as quickly as possible. Give us your cell phone number. If there’s a problem, we’ll call you.” And get the mom out of there!
A psychologist, Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.