From Hinesville Police Department reports:

Battery, criminal trespass: This may be the most unhinged police report narrative we’ve come across in a while.

An officer was sent Aug. 18 to an Enmark on Highway 84 "in reference to an assault with a golf club," but once he got there he couldn’t find anybody and was told the victim had gone to HPD. There, the officer talked to the man, who said that two to three weeks earlier "he had to be taken to the emergency room from the address he was assaulted at. He stated that he had back problems and his sister’s ex-boyfriend … gave him a pain pill and some money that he owed (the victim). He stated the pill, as (he) discovered later, was homemade and almost killed him, the effects of the pill taking 7-8 minutes to take effect. He stated that (his sister’s ex-boyfriend) had apparently told mutual friends of theirs that he was trying to kill him."

The victim continued his story, saying that his sister’s ex-boyfriend called him Aug. 18 and asked that the victim "come by his residence to discuss some things," the report said.

"When (the victim) arrived (the ex-boyfriend) immediately began attacking him with a golf club. (The victim) had what appeared to be six welts across his back from a long pole. (The victim) stated as he ran away from (the ex-boyfriend), (the ex-boyfriend) kicked his truck directly under the gas tank, denting it."

The officer noted the shoe print on the truck while the victim continued his story.

"(The ex-boyfriend) then swung the golf club at his driver’s side rear window, scratching the dark tint on the glass and leaving marks. (The ex) then began swinging at the front of the truck but (the victim) could not tell if he damaged anything due to the large number of dents on the front of the vehicle."

The victim also said his attacker punched his driver’s side window, and then said he lost his wallet and wasn’t sure if it had been left at the ex-boyfriend’s house.

Officers then went to talk to the suspect and was asked if he gave the victim homemade drugs, which he denied, and then claimed the victim "stormed into his driveway and came at him like he was going to attack. (Suspect) then obtained a golf club and began swinging at (the victim) with the golf club and hit him on his back."

The officer noted the suspect claimed the victim "attacked him from the front and (the victim) had welts and indicators of being attacked on his back."

Police then asked the man why he had a golf club "and he claimed he was hitting some golf balls in his front yard," but officers didn’t see any indications that was the case.

Police then asked to see the club, which was broken. And, the report noted the man’s pupils were "constricted" and "when we were speaking with him, (the suspect’s) feet appeared to be the same size as the foot print on (the victim’s dented truck door)." The case was turned over to HPD’s narcotics unit.

Theft: This one’s weird, too. An employee of the Liberty County Board of Education reported Tuesday that someone stole a help wanted sign off a school bus.

"(The employee) stated that she parked a school bus at Lyman Hall on Aug. 18 sometime in the morning and left it there with a sign strapped to the bus stating that the schools are hiring bus drivers," the report said.

"When she returned to the bus today (Tuesday) she saw that the sign had been removed from the bus."

The employee told the officer the bus was still at Lyman Hall and the sign cost about $600. The officer then went to Lyman Hall and "located the school bus," the report said, and the officer noted he "observed ropes on the ground around the bus where the sign used to be that appeared to be cut. There were also bungie cords on the ground as well. A piece of the sign was in the window and appeared to have been torn."

Police scoured the area, but didn’t find the sign.

Shots fired: Police were sent Aug. 13 to a Pineland Avenue address regarding shots fired on Highway 84 West near the Walmart Neighborhood Market.

There, a man said he was leaving the Walmart and turning right onto Highway 84 around 11:30 p.m. when two cars in a parking lot across the street pulled out onto the road. He said one of the cars got in front of him and the other pulled alongside next to him, then he "heard gunshots and his driver’s side window appeared to be shattered with a hole in the middle of the window."

The passenger’s side window was down, the man said, adding that the cars then drove off. He said he pulled into a Clyde’s near his apartment to vacuum some of the glass out of the car and had no idea who would shoot at him. A passenger confirmed the driver’s story.

But there was no glass in the car and no sign of a shooting in the area.

Police noted the place the man said he stopped didn’t have a vacuum stall and there was no glass in the parking lot. The reporting officer said he’d try to see security video at the Neighborhood Market to see if there was anything that would help solve the crime.

Shots fired: Police responded shortly after midnight Aug. 19 to reports of shots fired in "the area of Rowe Street," and when the reporting officer got there he saw a lot of cars leaving and heard calls that there had been a house party at a Rowe Street address.

The tenant at the address told police she was in the Army and having a party for her unit.

"She told me there was only supposed to be a few people attending the party but a lot of strangers arrived," the report said, and the woman she "observed people parking their vehicles in her yard and all along Rowe Street." She went outside and saw someone she didn’t recognize trying to park in her yard, so she told them to park down the street.

The woman said the car left and "when the vehicle was past her neighbor’s residence she heard two gunshots then observed the vehicle leave the area," the report said. Police searched the area and saw no damage, but "the search did result in six .40 caliber Smith and Wesson brass casings being found in the roadway on Rowe Street."

The casings were taken as evidence.

Theft: A man went to HPD on Monday to report "his chrome bumper (with a Georgia tag) still attached was stolen from his semi-tractor trailer. (His) semi truck broke down in December of 2015 and was left (at an E.G. Miles Parkway address) where other semi trailers were parked. (The man) scheduled a shop from Dekalb County to pick up the truck in April of 2016 from that location," the report said. "Employees (apparently of that shop) advised him the bumper was not on the truck when they arrived …."

The man said he needed the report to get a new tag for his truck, "which is now fixed."

Criminal trespass: An officer was sent Tuesday to the Liberty County Recreation Center because "someone damaged the sink in the men’s restroom," a report said. The officer noted the sink was "separated from the wall" and its mounting bracket was bent, but the sink itself wasn’t damaged.

It was, however, "the third time this month someone has damaged this bathroom," the report said. "The first two times they did not report the damage but had to replace both sinks in the men’s bathroom."

Update: Different day, different LCRD bathroom, apparently. A separate report filed Wednesday noted that an officer was sent to James Brown Park because "someone had damaged one of the stall doors to the men’s bathroom along with several ceiling tiles being damaged."

Simple assault, battery: An officer was sent to a Regency Place apartment Wednesday night regarding a disturbance. The complainant, a woman, said an older woman "wearing pajamas" came to her apartment and "hit her. She advised dispatch the female left on foot heading (to another apartment)."

To make a long report short, the older woman had gone to the apartment to get her bicycle back and one of the brake handles was damaged. At some point things got out of hand, somebody hit somebody and 911 was called.

Everyone had warrant procedures explained and got a case number.

Fraud: An officer was sent to Verizon on Aug. 17, where he was told a woman came into the store and bought three phones and iPad using a Bank of America credit card, and knew the PIN number, so they thought it was her.

The employee said a few hours later, a man claiming to be the woman’s husband called the store and said his wife didn’t make the purchase.

Verizon gave the officer the woman’s phone number and address — it was in Minnesota — and he called it.

"She told me she was presently in Minnesota and she did not know who was impersonating her, buying phones in Hinesville, Georgia."

The woman who bought the phones was described as "an elderly white woman, 45-60 years old, with short blond hair … tall and skinny."

Indecent exposure: A Loblolly Lane man called the cops around 1:22 a.m. Monday after his dogs woke him up barking, he looked outside and saw a man "urinating on his car in his driveway." The victim said the man then walked through his yard headed toward another Loblolly Lane address. He said he went outside "to inspect his car," and saw the man taking a seat in the driveway at his neighbor’s house, "where they were gathered socializing…."

The victim said he went over and asked who urinated on his car and "got no reply," so he went back to his house and called 911.

The officer who responded talked to the only man still in the neighbor’s driveway, who denied being the culprit, and was told that three kids had been in the area, etc. The victim, who said he couldn’t positively ID the suspect, wasn’t interested in pressing charges and was told how to get a copy of the report. The man in the neighbor’s driveway was "advised" not to go on the victim’s property.

DUI: Police were called around 3:30 a.m. Aug. 11 because a man and woman had been seen fighting outside Walmart. They got a description of the vehicle "believed to be driven by the male half of the dispute," and caught up with him at the Navy Federal Credit Union parking lot, with the vehicle "parked upon the curb with its rear passenger wheel."

"A male exited the vehicle as I was exiting mine," the officer reported, "and began to ask why I was present. The male … had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath as he spoke to me. He also had glassy, bloodshot eyes and was unable to follow simple instructions."

The officer then asked the man "to explain to me the circumstances of the disturbance at Walmart between he and his female partner. He advised that he and his girlfriend (later identified) were arguing over the fact that it was 3 o’clock in the morning and they could no longer buy any beer. He advised that she made a suggestion to steal the beer from the store. He said that he was not going to allow her to steal any beer. He stated he walked out of the store, telling her he was leaving."

The man gave the officer a Florida license, and it was not valid. The tag on his vehicle also had expired in July.

The man was arrested. He later got into an argument with the guy doing the breath test at HPD, and was ultimately cited for refusing to take the test, suspended license, etc.

Methamphetamine possession, etc.: Police ran the tag number of a car near Brantley Drive around 7:30 p.m. Aug. 10 and found out the owner was wanted on a probation violation in Bryan County for the sale of meth. When police caught up with the driver, he was told he had a warrant and was arrested. After taking him to HPD, the officer "could see (the man) grabbing his buttocks and walking strangely," the report said.

Given the man’s history and the way he was walking, the officer figured he was hiding something in a certain place, and according to the report, he was. But it took a search by the reporting officer to find "a white cylinder shaped container and a clear tube with a blue cap that contained white pill pieces," the man had tried to conceal by "squeezing his buttocks" and a plastic bag with a "rock-like" substance in the man’s groin.

The stuff was meth and the pills were the opiod "buprenorphine hydrochloride."

Accidental gunshot wound: Police were sent to a Burke Drive apartment around 11:45 p.m. Aug. 9 regarding shots fired "in which the complainant was shot in the leg," and found the man laying on the front balcony of his apartment.

The officer spotted a handgun near the man "and numerous live 9mm rounds laying near (him). There was an open beer bottle nearby as well. The wound did not appear to be bleeding heavily."

The officer talked to the victim while they were waiting on EMS and learned the man was "sitting on the front balcony drinking while cleaning his 9mm handgun when someone ran up the stairs and surprised him," the report said. "He believed the handgun was completely cleared however he forget he still had a round in the chamber. He accidentally pulled the trigger and shot himself through the leg. He could not provide a description of the person who surprised him nor where they went afterwards. He stated he was home alone."

Detectives were notified. EMS took the man to Memorial Hospital.