It is the merry month of May, and you know that means, boys and girls. It is time for Answer Man! You ask it; we answer it.
Please know that all answers have been authenticated and hermetically-sealed by Funk and Wagnall. (No, not that Funk and Wagnall. This is Elrod Funk and Jim Bob Wagnall. I don’t know them all that well, but they knocked on the door and said they needed work and wanted to cut my grass. I told them I had a better idea.)
Let’s get started with our first question:
Dear Answer Man: I am a Democratic candidate for governor of a state that shall remain anonymous. I have shocked my supporters by endorsing a bill that will allow guns in every nook and cranny of our state — except, of course, at the state Capitol. Some folks think I did this just to get elected. What do you think? — J.C. from Atlanta
Answer Man: J.C., it looks as if the goober hasn’t fallen far from the peanut plant. Your grandfather ran a shamefully racist campaign for governor in 1970 and was elected. His starry-eyed supporters forgave him that hypocrisy. Surely, yours will forgive you, too.
Dear Answer Man: I am a Republican running for re-election as governor of a state that shall remain anonymous. I have raised more money than the Republic of Moldova and have lizard-loafered lobbyists lined up out the door and down the street waiting to kiss my ring. Is there any chance at all that I could lose? — ND from GA
Answer Man: Funk and Wagnall tell me they like your chances, but if we have an ice storm in November, all bets are off.
Dear Answer Man: Now that the sagacious men and women of the Georgia Legislature have had the extraordinary foresight to allow us to arm ourselves to the teeth when we attend church, will you be packing heat on Sundays? By the way, watch your answer. I don’t like smart-aleck columnists, and there is nothing in the new law that says I can’t shoot off your big toe. — Jasperse from Jasperdoo
Answer Man: Thanks for the warning. I need my toes. I use them for counting when I run out of fingers. No, I will not be armed on Sundays. I likely would shoot a hole in the church pipe organ. Plus, I get hung up over one of those nettlesome commandments God delivered to Moses — something about, “Thou shalt not kill.” But, then, what does God know? He never had to pander to special-interest groups. That is why He created politicians.
Dear Answer Man: I am a member of the family Sciuridae — small but extremely cute rodents. We live in your backyard and eat the birdseed in your feeders. I would like your readers to know that while you continually shoot my buddies and me with your Red Ryder pump-action pellet gun with camouflage stock, the only thing you have ever killed is time. You couldn’t hit the church pipe organ with a cannonball. — George Bushy Tail
Answer Man: Sorry, George, but Funk and Wagnall say that isn’t a question. It is a slanderous accusation. I don’t respond to slanderous accusations — unless they come from liberal weenies or lawyers who think they are PR experts.
Dear Answer Man: It has come to our attention that you strongly opposed the charter-school amendment last year and got rolled like a cheap cigar. This year, you opposed the gun bill and it passed handily. Could it be that you have all the power and influence of a kumquat? — Signed by a number of newspaper editors across the state
Answer Man: You forgot to add that I don’t know where commas go. Neither do kumquats. I am in good company.
Dear Answer Man: Describe your ideal candidate in the upcoming U.S. Senate primary. — Liza from Lizella
Answer Man: I prefer someone with impeccable integrity who is wiser than Socrates, a spitting image of Brad Pitt and modest to a fault — but enough about me. Is Ray Charles running? I must remember to ask Funk and Wagnall. I’ll bet they will know.
Oops! According to the old clock on the wall, it looks like time is up, boys and girls. And I was just getting hot.
Tune in next time when our topics will be political correctness and astrophysics. Have your questions ready. I guarantee that Answer Man will have the answers. Just don’t ask me about commas.
Email Yarbrough at email@example.com or write him at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139.