Dick Yarbrough, Syndicated columnist.
My fellow Georgians:
(Yea! Clap! Clap! Clap!) I come before you today to submit to you my annual State of the Column address. It is with great pride that I tell you that the state of the state of this column is in such a state that it cannot be overstated! (Thunderous roar!)
This past year has presented an extraordinary challenge. I am pleased to tell you that I have met that challenge with 52 weeks of awe-inspiring columns comprised of more than 39,000 words and which contained a bunch of nouns, verbs, subordinate clauses, more than a few compound sentences and a bunch of other grammar things. And I tell you that I have only begun to conjugate! (Yea! Yea!
In spite of having to wear a mask while thinking this stuff up, (Boooo!
Down with Fauci! Down with Fauci!) this past year I continued my unwavering commitment to defend democracy (Clap!
Clap! Clap!) to fight injustice wherever I find it. (Clap! Clap! Clap!) and to remind everyone that the University of Georgia, the oldest state-chartered university in the nation, is not only Football Champions of the free world and parts that aren’t free but also is home to 25 Rhodes Scholars! Neither Harvard nor the Electoral College nor any Institute of Technology in the land can make that claim!
(Woof! Woof! Woof! Prolonged standing ovation!)
My fellow Georgians, I could not do this work without the help of the humor-impaired. (Clap!
Clap! Clap!) While time constraints prevent me from thanking them all individually, I do want to give a shout-out to wing nuts on both ends of the political spectrum who consider me either a Chardonnay-sipping, Pelosi-loving liberal or a knuckle-dragging QAnon-loving conspiracist, depending on their own knee-jerk point of view. (Ha! Ha! Ha! Clap!
That is not to say that these humorless souls don’t give me some concern for my own wellbeing. After some of the responses I received following my barbs at Georgia Congressperson Marjorie Taylor Greene, I seriously considered calling out the Gazpacho police for protection but hating cold Spanish soup as I do, I decided to squash the dissent and tell her followers to beet it. (Ha! Ha! Ha! Fruitcake! Fruitcake!)
As demanding as was the past year, it is time to focus this column on the new year. Thankfully, I have the benefit of the resources of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, and our esteemed general manager, Junior E. Lee, one of the nation’s most highly-respected political analysts and a pest control professional. (Sustained applause!)
One of the most important issues facing our state at the moment is the teaching of Critical Race Theory. I am pleased to announce that Junior will be issuing a report in the very near future that says somebody needs to teach Chase Elliott that if he is going to be a consistent winner on the NASCAR race circuit, it is critical that he stay low and inside on the turns. Every time he goes high, he crashes. That’s Junior E.
Lee’s Critical Race Theory and he’s sticking to it!
In this coming year, I will provide you with my patent-pending analysis of the upcoming elections in Georgia as we will try to ascertain if Republicans can figure out who the enemy really is. I had hoped to enlist the help of Pogo the Possum who said, “We have met the enemy and he is us,” but Pogo said there are some things even a possum won’t do. (Boo!
As we look to the future, it is my hope that we can one day put aside our differences and unite as one people. Let us work for a time when all Georgians of all races, creeds and colors from one end of this state to the other will come together to worship Ray Charles Robinson, of Albany, Georgia, when he sings “Georgia on my Mind.” (Standing ovation!
Yelling! Stomping of feet!)
In conclusion, my fellow Georgians, let me say it has been an honor to serve as your modest and much-beloved columnist.
(Yay! Clap! Clap! Clap!) I again remind you of our guiding principle: “Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum. Look out, humor-impaired. Here we come!” (Sustained applause!) God bless you.
God bless the Great State of Georgia and God bless the oldest state-chartered university with which it stands. Thank you and thank God, I don’t have to do this again until next year. (Sustained standing ovation!)
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dick yarbrough.com; at P.O.
Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139; or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dick yarb.