HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Hollywood Reporter said Hollywood movie studios and TV networks are returning to tried and true box office hits and TV favorites to compete with social media for viewers. The game is on. Harrison Ford will soon return to the silver screen as Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost AARP.
CBS’ 60 Minutes had its best ratings in years due to the Stormy Daniels interview. It won’t go unanswered. After all the huge public interest about Donald Trump and his relationship with Stormy Daniels, Fox News plans to interview Hillary Clinton about her relationship with Jack Daniels.
Stormy Daniels went into detail about her tryst with Trump on CBS’ 60 Minutes Sunday. It was glorious for cable news. MSNBC reported that Trump had sex with a porn star, CNN said that Trump had sex with a porn star, while Fox News said Trump gave CPR to an actress and saved her life.
Stormy Daniels tried to drag Special Counsel Robert Mueller into the case Sunday by claiming her payoff had been a violation of campaign finance laws. The saga may never end. Mike Pence had to feel a little weird in church Sunday knowing that a porn star was trying to make him president.
Barack Obama praised the student anti-gun marches in a speech in Japan Sunday and said he hopes to create a million young Obamas. The Republicans could win this contest. We don’t know how many million Trumps there are out there now, because Stormy said he wasn’t wearing a condom.
President Trump expelled 100 Russians from the U.S. for poisoning a British spy. The president is safe from that fate. Due to his regimen of Big Macs, KFC chicken, Papa John’s pizza and unprotected sex with porn stars, Trump is the first Western leader the Russians can’t poison.
The American Medical Association Journal released a health survey Saturday revealing that 40 percent of adults in the U.S. are obese. It prompted Jesus to return and perform one of his old miracles. He fed five Americans with only 5,000 loaves of bread and 2,000 fishes.
An American Heart Association study says that moderate to vigorous exercise each day greatly reduces risk of a heart attack. The subject has the full attention of Baby Boomers now. If I were a cardiologist, I would say the worst time you could have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
U.N. former ambassador John Bolton’s appointment as National Security Advisor set off media alarm bells over his willingness to attack North Korea and Iran. His cock-sureness mortifies them. What I admire the most about John Bolton is that his mustache fought for the South in the Civil War.
Joe Biden gave a speech at the University of Miami last weekend and ripped President Trump for what Biden said was the way he treats women. Joe said in his teenage days, he’d have taken Trump behind the gym and beaten him up. The older Joe Biden gets, the tougher he was in high school.
Wall Street had its third biggest rally in history Monday when the White House began talking with China to pull back his tariffs. They could have hurt the president’s re-election. The turning point came when Trump learned he’d be slapping a $100 tariff on each Make America Great Again golf cap.
The Los Angeles Times real estate section reported the good news Sunday that Millennials are finally entering the housing market nationwide. It’s a joy to perform onstage every night to this generation of young swaggerers. I love how Millennials walk into every room like they rent the place.
The BBC News magazine reports scientists digging in Virginia have discovered the remains of four Englishmen who were among the first settlers at Jamestown. What a saga. The welcoming Powatan tribe learned English just quickly enough to coin the phrase, There Goes the Neighborhood.
Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.