Just so you know, the Coastal Courier won’t have a sportswriter at Super Bowl whatever-it-is-in-Roman-numerals. We were asked, but said no thanks.
OK, I’m kidding, we weren’t asked. But even if we were, we wouldn’t go. Or maybe we would. I don’t know. But since we weren’t asked, we certainly aren’t going.
Here are several reasons why. And by we, I mean the royal version of me:
1. Too much traffic. We’d probably have to park in southwest Cleveland, wherever that is, and the game’s in Indianapolis, wherever that is. All I know is every time I try to Google the word Ohio, it shows me a link to photos of people in the cereal aisle of the Rincon Walmart. I think maybe that’s where everybody from Ohio is right now — buying up all the Rincon cereal.
2. Too much glitz and glamour. The Super Bowl isn’t a football game, it’s an event. That means celebrities will be all over the place, sucking up all the available hospitality. We average folks will have to stand in line for three hours just to get a burnt $50 burrito and an $18 box of apple-flavored Juicy Juice. And by the time we get them, the World Series will have started.
3. NFL fans are crazy. They make UGA fans look like members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir at a church social. NFL fans all drink pure grain alcohol straight from kegs and wear cheese wedges on their heads. They also suddenly and without warning will belly dance shirtless in 20-degree weather. And those are just the women. Also, don’t eat the chili at tailgates. You ever see domestic cats at an NFL game? That’s what I’m talking about.
4. We don’t like the teams. The New York Giants and the New England Patriots aren’t exactly Georgia Southern, you know. However, in fairness, the Pats do include on their roster Mr. Gary Guyton, nice guy and former Bradwell Institute defensive end. He’s No. 59, in case you watch. Go, Gary.
5. Madonna is doing the halftime show. Madonna? Are you kidding me? Football fans don’t like Madonna. Only celebrities and people who frequent fake European discos like Madonna do. So who’s next, MC Hammer?
6. MC Hammer isn’t next. Big and Rich is. Oh, the horror.
7. The game’s going to be inside a giant roller skating rink. Look, football is among a number of sports that simply were not meant to be played in a dome. Other sports that shouldn’t be played indoors include mud bogging, baseball, softball, soccer, track and field, competitive cheerleading and Frisbee golf. Or real golf, either. Oh, and add rugby, quidditch, cricket and Australian rules football to the list. All those are sports that should be played outside in the elements, including mud, rain, ice and — down here — gnat-heaven heat and humidity. That’s what makes them sports. One sport that I’d like to see indoors: NASCAR. Make the pit crews work from the luxury boxes so they’ll have to throw parts down onto the track from high above. Maybe they could use little parachutes so opposing pit crews could try to shoot them down.
8. The NFL needs to lighten up. The NFL is known as the No Fun League for a reason. In fact, the NFL is so tightly wrapped, it’s a wonder its collective head doesn’t explode like a melon in the sun. After all, when’s the last time you saw teams call a time out so their mascots could take turns giving each other the business at the 50-yard line? Why no trapeze acts, or at least magical teens from Hogwarts flying around on broomsticks and putting bombarda spells on the field goal kickers?
You wouldn’t even have to go that far to up the entertainment value at a typical pro football game.
NFL franchises have a lot of footballs, so why not use more than one at the same time on occasion during a game, just to keep things interesting? And why, for crying out loud, won’t NFL commissioner Roger Goodell make herds of trained Wookies run on and off the field to the song “YMCA” whenever there’s a penalty? I bet if you asked NFL officials those questions, they’d just look at you like you’re crazy. That’s what I mean by no fun.
Super Bowl? How about Super Boring.